imPerfect balance

NYC is next door to everyone

2010-12-28T15:41:00.004-05:00

I've been in NYC for exactly 4 1/2 months now (seems longer) after ending the long love-hate relationship with China (mostly a love affair though in retrospect^^).

I had my doubts about coming back as much as i was excited to return, but after maybe a two month initial period of settling-in jitters, I adjusted and now I'm starting my new love affair, or would i say rekindling an old flame, which up till this point, is going pretty well.

For sure I am not one of those ppl who blindly hail NYC to be the greatest city in the world. If i've learned anything from the past of living in few different big cities, it is the fact that every city has its charm and its downsides, that it all ends up becoming a "moot point." Haha..basically, i found myself complaining about something or praising something at each city that were different all across, and it is only now that i finally realize that it is the attitude and people that counts, not the place. What I choose to feel and do is what is ultimately important in what i will feel from the experience of that city.

However, now even people don't seem to matter anymore as NYC literally seems to be like next door to everyone in the world as it always was.

So far, in the past 4 1/2 months i've been here, I've seen so many of my friends from Beijing and other parts of the world, and there are some already scheduled for the next year! And as i write, I'm sure there will be more surprises. Already just this morning i received a surprise email from unexpected people.

Dina as usual made her grand entrance by being the first one to visit .

Next came Christina with her usual self attending to her BlackBerry. At Via Quadronno.

My roommie from Beijing Tina followed me all the way to NYC to live (and not visit) with me again...err live next to me ;)

Then came eric and then unexpectedly came joyce. Although we weren't able to meet physically due to limited circumstances. Local calls are priceless though.

Then came David all the way from Indonesia only to circle around Central Park with me.
We doubted the GPS. Never doubt the GPS.

Right when I thought he was the last one for the year (it was still beginning of December), literally few days later came Justin from Shanghai. Short visit and no pics. I really need a real camera.

Then suddenly came Eric again from Beijing. At Congee Village after getting updated on Beijing news.

Thought that was it again until my childhood friend from CA Janie, Nancy from Hong Kong, and lastly to top it off this morning Vincent/Kieun from Beijing are all visiting this week. Well if the snow is going to allow for planes to move!

For the upcoming early next year, Andrea and Emily already made reservations. Anybody else?

사랑하라

2010-12-24T21:20:00.000-05:00

살아있는 것들을 보라

사랑하라

놓지마라

사랑하라

놓지마라

사랑하면 사람들이 사는 곳이 온통 사랑이다.

이별 후에 오는 사랑의 말이 진짜다.

사랑하면 몰랐던 말들이 사랑후엔 마음을 후벼 판다.

그래도 사랑하라. 사랑이 없다면 어찌 삶이 삶이겠는가

Spotted: Shake Shack

2010-12-14T21:15:00.001-05:00

Back in the States, in New York City.

And I realize I end up going to a lot of chains. But I'm in NEW YORK!!!

But...still. And I ask myself, why.

Well, it's places like Starbucks that definitely has it right. Reliability.

You know what you're going to get, and therefore there's no risk of wasting your money on something unexpected.

And the newest chain that does just that is..

SHAKE SHACK!!!

The newest burger chain in my scope of understanding since i've been back. This one in my hood at Lex/86th.

They even ask you how you'd like your meat cooked. I must admit. It is tasty.
Closest thing to In-N-Out on the East Coast.

I think they got this idea from Asia. I swear, all the good ideas are from Asia exported back to the States. If you don't know what it is, it shakes and rings and blinks when your order is ready.

Easy burger with some quality. And the line never stops.

Shake Shack at Madison Park. Long lines, but nice environment to eat.

Somehow became a bit like Chucky-Cheese.

Definitely worth the 7 bucks.

Everything happens for a reason..apparently II

2010-05-31T09:39:00.000-04:00

So by popular demand, i write this post.

And when i say "demand," I actually mean Ray Cheng. Hahaha..

He so dearly wanted to see another "amazing story in China" since my lost wallet story that i decided to fulfill his request.

I lost my camera on sunday on my way to a wedding. Thinking i left it at the convenience store where i picked up some breakfast, i didn't search under the chairs(basically didn't search "thoroughly") before i called my roommate tina to see if she can get it.

Well well, after even watching the security camera, the verdict was, I took the camera. Damn it!!!

I left it in the cab, and it was probably under the seat. I just assumed immediately that it was at the store since before, i left my Bible at the counter and didn't even realize it was missing until a week later I went in and saw my Precious Moments Bible sitting on the counter. I thought..wow, somebody has the same Bible as mine in CHina??? Yeah, it was mine. -_-

Well, what was gone was gone and i had to move on.

And THEN!!!!!!

After some kicking ass (probably was angry) in basketball at Tsinghua haha..i come home and Tina's wonderful boyfriend Allen Fang(we are pretty sure that we are cousins) decides to bribe me to be on his side (if they fight) by giving me his Canon PowerShot SD 960 IS that he was going to sell on eBay. I fought the idea of receiving free stuff from someone i haven't met yet but hear his voice all the time. But now, all i can say is, "I love Allen!!!!"

So what do ya say ray?

Well he told me i was a lucky girl. Now i have the same camera as him and dina's. :P

Additionally, my friend shane sent me some preliminary pics he took of me at the wedding. So here are just two.

This 19 year old boy told me that i look the prettiest when i'm playing the piano. Other than that, eh~ he says. -_- But he wants to marry me apparently hahaha...

don't like my hands like that on the piano.

Chinese Cooking Trial

2010-04-26T02:51:00.000-04:00

I guess this can be called "domestic endeavours #3" overall. haha..

So living in China for the past "years" i figured i should at least learn how to cook my favorite dishes. So as a continuation of my domestic craze (effect of being sick of studying), took up a cooking class at Hutong Cuisine with the peeps.

It seemed like others were in a similar mode. Dina was leaving China for good so she got behind it and organized it.

Class in progress.

Korea against, China (dina). Apparently.

My Kungpao Chicken in progress.

Done. To be honest, it was a bit too ma麻.

Okay, i admit. China won this round. Hehe..

East coast versus West Coast on Yuxiang Qiezi.

Don't we look nice in our aprons? Us five girls together :)

So we made five dishes in total and i think i remember two of them quite correctly. Gongbao Jiding and Ganbian Sijidou~.

Baking Trial #2: Strawberry Cream Cake

2010-04-21T03:04:00.000-04:00

Going to have to recall my memory in writing this long overdue post.

Dr. Lee Sang-Gu이상구 as our special guest speaker and dina at our church.

So it was a perfect Sabbath morning with my good friend Dina visiting my church here in Beijing. Our church is called Beijing International SDA Church and is located in Wangjing, and as we were having a special Health Seminar by our guest speaker Dr. Lee Sang-gu, she was my special first guest amongst my expat circle on an actual Sabbath morning worship (friends have come to my Christmas Charity Concert before).

Will post his talks soon too.

But first comes first, we had another baking trial at the Fig Tree, and this time we decided to try Strawberry Cream Cake. Minus Anne plus Dina this time, it was another great session on a nice Saturday afternoon.

Here's how it went:

All of our ingredients.

To come to the "ribbon" state is key for the batter.

The finished batter.

Preparing the strawberries for one of the fillers for our 3-layer cake

Emily's evil interception whilst I cut the edges off of the baked cake.

Cutting each layer in precision is very important.

First layer strawberry jam, second layer strawberries!

Fresh cream is hard to make. Thought our arms were falling off, but it tasted good~~

I always wanted to do this. Patisseur Lin told me my style was very Calvin Klein ;)

DONE!!!! Emily and Dina with their finished products! All very unique to their own taste.

Tada~!

Everybody thought it was yummy. :)

Jour du Macaron

2010-03-20T08:09:00.003-04:00

Today after a tumultuous night of bad dreams, I woke up to a morning looking like Beijing sprinkled with yellow and gold shades. It was the most extraordinary shade of color I've seen thus far. The whole world was just..yellow.

Thought it was pretty until later i was kindly reminded that it was the infamous Beijing sandstorm.-_-

Well despite the windy-ness of today, i had a special treat scheduled with some of my girls for the afternoon after church, and thus trekked out to Chaowai SOHO. Apparently today is Macaroon Day (officially) and I signed up for a macaroon baking class at The Fig Tree. Yeah, been feeling a bit domestic ever since my school work has been done and away with. :P

I tried to take pictures of the sequence of how it is done, so hopefully you can follow along. And as it turns out, it really was not anything near "easy." Yeah Chich, it did involve more than just putting two cookies together with a cream filling inside. ;)

Everything from recipe, tools, ingredients all laid out.

Emily busily sifting the egg whites.

This is harder than it looks. Trust me.

What happens after you balloon whisk to a SOFT PEAK.

Getting it to a hard peak. That happens with just egg whites, sugar, and ground almonds.

Hard Peak.

Adding my choice of light blue food coloring with lemon flavor extract.

Our instructor Patissier Lin showing how it's done.

Finally done and squeezing the macaroon paste like a pro!

They look like Turquoise gems.

Yes, gloating.

In the oven with other fellow macaroons.

This is one block of chocolate all finely chopped up (hand hurts) mixed with heated cream. The ganache for the filling.

All baked!

Don't they look pretty~~?

Anne, me, and emily feeling proud of our domesticity haha..

With the full batches.

I don't think I can eat them. They look too nice and pretty.

Thanks girls for coming out today! And lemme know if anybody wants to taste one. More than glad to let you have a try ;) Next project will be Chinese food. I figure I should learn to cook it since I've only been here for like, six years.

Random

2010-03-04T06:45:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those murky and grey days in Beijing.

Yes, Beijing is trying..trying to transition to spring. And before that's going to happen, it must go through another series of chilly wintery weather.

Thus, this weekend the temperatures are dropping back down to highs of 33 degrees from the current 48 degrees apparently...and it will go as low as 17 degrees. So bundle up!!

Some random quotes:

"Depression isn't understanding that you have something to live for, but it's knowing that you should feel differently."

-i forget where..

"Let nothing hinder you. Fate has not woven its meshes about any human being so firmly that he need remain helpless and in uncertainty. Opposing circumstances should create a firm determination to overcome them. The breaking down of one barrier will give greater ability and courage to go forward. Press with determination in the right direction, and circumstances will be your helpers, not your hindrances.....Remember this. If you have made mistakes, you certainly gain a victory if you have see these mistakes and regard them as beacons of warning. Thus you turn defeat into victory, disappointing the enemy and honoring your Redeemer."

-Christ's Object Lessons by E.G. White

I'm going to go make (the really expensive) Mac & Cheese (I bought at nick's mart a few months back)~~ finally got some butter and milk (courtesy of roommie). Very excited about this hehe..

Vulnerability

2010-02-01T04:51:00.000-05:00

"I just wanted 10 minutes, 10 minutes with you, but it just never happened. And before i knew it, 5 years passed by."

I looked at him, speechless.

"I had no idea," I said. "I'm sorry."

"Let's give it a try, you and me and we can see how we learn from each other," he said.

I looked at him, and paused to bring up the much dreaded confrontation.

"I'm sorry. I can't."

And like that I broke his heart within 12 hours of anticipation.

Maybe, human beings can never be true to who they think they really are.

No matter how much we claim or wish to believe that I have no insecurities, I am always strong, I never falter, I always win....the truth is, we've all been there...perpetually, where we are not always a winner.

Especially when you see that vulnerability in a person, that you've never seen before, it really sort of shakes you. And when you feel strong and secure due to that person's vulnerability, you are nothing but a false pretense.

I mean isn't that life? It is all relative and in your perspective of things. That is how sly and wicked human beings are. You see that moment of vulnerability, and before you know it, you suddenly feel more secure and powerful.

The thing is, the way you feel at the moment is only but a 假象pseudomorph.

I guess we've all been on both sides. And when it comes down to it, it is love, or the lack of love, that makes us weak, and strong..vulnerable.

And I try, to stay true, to be consistent, at all times, not becoming relative to that person's vulnerability. I try not to take advantage of it, because I know how it feels to be on the other side.

Thus I resent those who don't even try. Strong in front of those who are weak, weak in front of those who are strong. 강자에게 약하고 약자에게 강한 사람들.

And I resent the irony within me, where I empathize because i know vulnerability, but can't let myself to care enough to accept someone's heart that i have no room for.

Time and time again.

i like...Milk Tea

2010-01-22T10:08:00.003-05:00

At Tea & Tea in Chinatown, NY two summers ago. Do you see how excited I was to be back?

I love milk tea.

And that love has only become stronger in China haha...It comes in different shapes and forms. I have my instant ones and tea shops galore.

Saint's Alp at St. Mark's in Manhattan.

I used to go to Saint's Alp Teahouse in St. Mark's ALL the time at least once a week. Heck, I even had a date there (ah..that was one of the most memorable ones haha..). When i was moving to China, my friends were all like, so are you going to drink milk tea there too? Uh...hellz yeah!!!! Is that even a question?

However, when i first came here, milk teas weren't as popular as i thought it'd be. Apparently, milk teas were more of a product of Hong Kong and Taiwan. The "mainland" supported the traditional no milk regular teas.

At Xian Zhong Lin 仙踵林 in the Wu with once again my fav Jasmine Green Tea w/Milk.

But i found the equivalent of Saint's Alp here called 仙踵林 Xian Zhong Lin in Wangfujing (yeah, just one) and went there whenever I was in the area. A few years later, they had more of these, but then these "mini stations" appeared.

Waiting for my 抹香奶绿Jasmine Green Milk Tea to come out in front of my school's hotspot, Mini Station迷你站.

Just a hole-in-the-wall stops to get all sorts of milk teas, shakes, and drinks. Only in China. And the best part is it was so cheap (4 rmb/5 rmb=40 cents??) that sometimes it just wasn't worth it to go find a Xianzhonglin. And of course not to mention the fact that they are all over the city.

And then I have my local instant brands. One is called Afternoon Milk Tea午后奶茶 by Kirin, which i just die for. It is my loyal partner in crime for when i'm studying. One of those cans will get me through a whole day.

My favorite instant brand: Xiang Piao Piao香飘飘's Milk Tea now with green tea base and pearls.

And then there's a new instant brand that you make yourself. It is complete with tea powder, pearls/ye guo, and a thick straw all in a cup. All you have to do is put in and mix with hot water and "voila!" you got your tea. It's just sorta too sweet...but you get used to it.

Well, so i guess i can get a little crazy over the things i like. haha...well what can i say, i'm a pretty loyal person when it comes to these things. Especially with brands, I stick to them.

So that is my journey with milk tea. Stay tuned for more "i like..." episodes haha..

One Fine Day

2010-01-13T04:28:00.000-05:00

Today, I woke up, and very peacefully went to the hospital this morning for my first day of rotations in the Acupuncture 针灸 department.

It felt good to work, come back home for a short lunch break, go back and work again, and now I am back at home relaxing in my nice and warm room with a cup of refreshing orange juice and blogging away. Until my dinner appointment later at 7:30..another new feeling as I have no other pressure that holds me back.

JUST LIKE a normal person. :)

No exam worries looming in the back of my head, no pressure to study by force, just joyful willingness to study what I want to study BY CHOICE, and to relax BY CHOICE.

SO freakin' awesome man.

It feels peaceful...along with this quiet, contained joy sprouting somewhere in my body that makes me feel all warm and nice.

Now this is what I would call a "one fine day." :)

I'm actually bored

2010-01-12T09:15:00.001-05:00

Yeah didn't see that one coming.

I thought i'd be so ecstatic and just jumping up and down with glee after turning in my last exam of the century (or decade?), but well, i wasn't jumping up and down but i was happy..and mortified that i didn't feel like i did well. Oh whatever. I'm DONE!!!! That's what all matters now.

Seriously, do you know how grueling this $tu&*d school is? Mid-terms, finals, papers, and then re-exams in the beginning of the semester...and then two graduation exams plus thesis and what not. All throughout the five years. And that is why it seems like i always have tests. Well because i do!!!

Or did..hehe....past tense now.

Although i still have THE MOST important exam ever..the actual Boards in the States left. Two in fact. Nationals and CA Boards. So i may be happy with glee right now, but in actuality, the real studying starts now. -_-

Anyway~~~either way, back to rotations at hospital tomorrow till end of May, thesis by end of March..and then i'm really done. I'm just going to be normal from now on at least. I'll just be going to work, studying at my own choice and playing when i can.

But i'm thankful. That i had the opportunity to do such a rare thing here in china and no where else, despite all the trying times i had here. After all, most ppl are like hundreds and thousands and dollars in debt just to pay off tuition after med school, whereas I, have 0. ;)

Well, oh yeah, and the other thing i discovered is that i'm sorta bored actually. I think i just might studying again soon ;P

Pledge

2010-01-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

Okay.

I know i've been posting a lot about how i "haven't" been studying. It sounds like a joke, but it wasn't a joke.

Not sure if it's because it's a review of past subjects (albeit it is still five subjects plus one elective exam) or just the holidays getting to me, or just sheer fatigue and laziness creeping up(well truth be told, I am tired of ALL the studying i've been doing for the past FIVE years)...

So i'm posting this now as a pledge to tell the whole world,

I AM STUDYING HARDCORE

from this point on till the end on January 12th 8:30AM which is when my FINAL ever exam in this five-year program will commence.

I'm probably wasting time just writing this post. Yap!

Okay people, i'm off to the library. Please DO PRAY for me. I would appreciate it.

Snowed in

2010-01-03T03:01:00.003-05:00

Acquiring some mileage on my 21st fl window sill.

So after all that wishing for snow on Christmas day, it comes starting the night of the second day of the new year. It was all very romantic when i stepped out of the restaurant to see these fluffy snowflakes flying around.

BUT..no joke. It is snowing SO MUCH! I haven't seen this much snow since that last time in Beijing like a month ago was it? All that government-controlled snow falling in the midst of a pretty warm temperature.

Look at all the sparsely placed cars on the normally bustling 4th ring.

Picture ain't doing much justice for sure.

So, my plans to go to library to study and grab dinner with a friend later went down the drain. Ah..and i can't even seem to hold a pen or open a book right now to focus..so i am blogging.

Um, so the new year has started, in a great way. I can't spare too many details hehe..but trust me, it's a fine way to start the new year's, even though some things may have not gone as planned, like studying on new year's day haha..

So snowed in but i won't falter. I will get through my studies today! 加油!! 화이팅!

PS: And happy birthday mom~:)

There is a Time

2009-12-27T21:18:00.001-05:00

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

And a time to die;

A time to plant,

And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill,

And a time to heal;

A time to break down,

And a time to build up;

A time to weep,

And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn,

And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones,

And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace,

And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain,

And a time to lose;

A time to keep,

And a time to throw away;

A time to tear,

And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence,

And a time to speak;

A time to love,

And a time to hate;

A time of war,

And a time of peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So yesterday, my roommate, whom i lived with for 11 months left back to Korea, never to return to China again.

We were great housemates, not really interfering which each other's lives, giving each other a lot of space, both fairly neat, so not even once did we argue or fight. In fact, i don't recall fighting with any of my roommates for the past 5-6 years in Beijing (maybe once with this unni who was two years older than me..but she was quite particular). So does that make me a good roommate? Haha..

Well, I felt bad as she was leaving because i really felt like even though living together, we weren't living together. We talked about our day when we do see each other and gave gifts over holidays but our lives were literally just sitting side by side next to each other and that was it.

So maybe that's why, but I guess I was sorta wondering how'd it feel after she's gone and having the apt to myself for about a week or so until my new roommate moves in. Looking at her empty room, it does feel kinda weird.

Time is weird.

It's like "yang" for a period of a time, and then all of a sudden you are experiencing the exact opposite, "yin." The ups and downs, highs and lows, the happiness and sadness interchanges like it is meant to be that way. As much as i should be an expert in knowing this by now, it is always never the easiest thing to truly accept and not be phased by it.

However, I think as you do get older, one does accept things with more grace. I feel bad that i wasn't able to do more for my roommate while she was here, because now we are really complete strangers and most likely will never see her again (as she's not even from Seoul), yet before we were two people who shared an apt and probably knows so many "intimate" things about each other haha..It's like that Elva song, "最熟悉的陌生人," meaning, "the most familiar stranger."

And thus, life goes on like that. All these different people, who were once the closest to you becomes a complete stranger, and a complete stranger becomes one of the most closest. You can't catch time and let it be on hold for you, to wait for you. Neither can you not let the person go when he or she must go.

And there is a time to play, and there is a time to study...which is what it is for me now.-_- My graduation exam is the final exam for my five year career in med school and I need to focus and end it well. And yes, the holidays really aren't so easy for me to do so. But I will endure till the end, and finish the final race, like Paul did.

There certainly is a time for everything.

Pressing on and reaching forward to 2010

2009-12-26T08:59:00.002-05:00

Today was the last Sabbath of the year.

And the sermon today my wonderful Pastor Oh gave to us was the most perfect message to send off 2009 and greet the new year of 2010. I mean, it was perfect for me in fact, that i wanted to share parts of it with everyone.

People have the tendency to dwell in the past a lot.

So there are two types of mistakes people often make in this:
1. Those who are hung over their past glories and successes--they can't seem to be accepting of their not as great present.
2. Those who are hung over their past mistakes and failures--they are living their present in pain because they can't get over the past.

So how can we be freed from the past?

All Biblical examples aside, there is one person who was successful in getting over his past and went towards a much better future. He put behind his past glories, and his past mistakes. He was an elite amongst all the elites in Rome and very talented with ever possible accolade (success), yet he was the leader of the pact who persecuted Christians (mistake). And he is the famous Apostle Paul (he wrote a lot of the New Testament books), who is originally named Saul in the past when he used to go around looking for Christians to persecute.

But he forgot about all these things and focused on God's work after he experienced a miraculous conversion. And this is what he says:

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you."

-Philippians 3:12-15

Don't bring back the past. The past is no longer important to us. As this year is coming to an end, what we need to do is to sign off the past that is slipping behind us. Put a seal on it, and let it go.

It says in the Bible:

"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old."

-Isaiah 43:18

Our past, that is stained with both glories, mistakes, and pain, let us put it on His Cross and let go. And let us never try to recall it again and with the new mission and new future God has given us, let us press forward towards the goal for the new future.

As today is the last Sabbath of 2009, let us put down all of our regrets and sorrows onto Christ. Let the past flow by in the flowing river and never go fishing for it again.

Amen.

So what is Christmas like in Beijing?

2009-12-25T00:03:00.002-05:00

That was the question i got over the radio today from TBS eFM station haha..

There would've been so much to talk about if there was more time, but unfortunately, i didn't get to mention about how it's exam time in Beijing during this time of the year. BUT, it was a cool thing to express what goes on here through the airwaves. For those of you who probably missed it ;) i think i'll be getting a clip soon so will try to post.

However, i did get to talk about how i spent Christmas last year and how i'll be spending it this year. Here are some old pics from last year's Christmas eve dinner with the gang at Issin, a Japanese restuarant:

Japanese dinner at Issin一心 at the Wu with everyone laughing and enjoying the company.

Aww...last year with pam and dina.

Um, so this is how White Elephant works: you end up with a water bottle.

Not sure what Paul opbah ended up with but he sure looks happy.

Candid shot with David.

Nice headshot of pam, me, and emily.

So what about this year?

Well, i guess the good ole' days are behind us now. Everybody has headed back home to the US or enjoying vacationing in exotic Southeast countries. But we still couldn't not do our "tradition," although does it count as one when it's only been done once before? Haha...

So here's our pre-Christmas dinner held on the 21st (on a monday) at yet again, another Japanese restaurant. This time, it was all-you-can-eat buffet at Fukunoya. Less ppl than last year and additional new members but it was still fun. Oh, and this time the stakes went up for the White Elephant gift exchange so i ended up with nice two gifts!

Proudly posing with our upgraded gifts this year.

Miss all of you guys who weren't here to celebrate with us!

And today on Christmas day my friend invited me to an evening of Christmas treats, Christmas caroling and reading. We do the best we can here in Beijing, despite the crazy final exam schedule and non-existent Christmas spirit.

Merry Christmas ya'll!

I'm such a dork

2009-12-24T11:34:00.001-05:00

I'm going to be on radio today at 9:30AM Beijing time!

Got a phone call from Korea's TBS radio station and they want to interview me on what Beijing is like during Christmas. And yes, i definitely have a lot to say about that! Or the lack there of of Beijing's festive mood.

So if you happen to be online, have a listen. I come on at that time.

TBS eFM 101.3mhZ KickStart

Hmmm..i can feel it! I'm going to become famous soon! Ahhahahah...okay keeeeding~
However in my defense, just like a month ago, i was interviewed and photographed and filmed for this expat project as well which is suppose to be at the Smithsonian Museum and stuff. All because apparently, my life is somewhat interesting kkk...

Okay enough. I know, i'm a dork.

Will It Snow On Christmas?

2009-12-23T01:09:00.015-05:00

I'm listening to..

Blue Christmas (beautiful instrumental music)

그대라서(Because It's You) by 거미 Gummy

-from "Will It Snow on Christmas?"

I hope it does snow on Christmas in Beijing this year.
PS: Just found a link to download whole OST album. Click here.

God always provides

2009-12-18T04:42:00.006-05:00

There is a devotional website that i have on my bookmark tab so that i can just click on it whenever i feel like i need some "soup for the soul." It amazes me sometimes how accurate these "chance clicks" provide for me. I was introduced to this website called Our Daily Bread through a friend from church who used to send a group of us these daily devotions through email every day when i was working in New York.

Today's feeling a bit tired and weary. Well tired because I was hanging out a bit late last night and then had to walk up 21 flight of stairs due to both elevators not working (ah...the pains of living in this country. Elevator issues ALL the time. At my hospital, it always just passes your floor even you've pressed the button.). And weary because I can't seem to stop the heart sinking 心慌. Exams creeping up are really stressing me out. It is my last real exam, which will determine if i can graduate. On top of that, i guess with holidays coming up, it is a weird mixture of happiness and doubt.

So anyway, just trying to keep the faith.

And what i do realize, going through my ups and downs as a human being, is that nothing beats the peace that God gives, exactly when you need it. Like that praise song, "it is a peace that the world cannot give." It's nothing material, nothing physical or emotional. Just peace. I can stay sane because He imparts me with His strength to do so daily.

And here's the perfect story that speaks my mind:

In my early years as a pastor, I served in small churches where finances were often tight. Sometimes our family finances felt the weight of that pressure. On one occasion, we were down to the last of our food and payday was still several days away. While my wife and I fretted about how we would feed our kids in the next few days, our doorbell rang. When we opened the door, we discovered two bags of groceries. We had not told anyone of our plight, yet our provider God had led someone to meet that need.

This reminds me of the Old Testament account of Abraham when he was asked to sacrifice his son Isaac. At just the right moment, God provided a ram instead. Abraham called this place Jehovah-Jireh, “The-Lord-Will-Provide” (Gen. 22:14). He is the One who still cares deeply for His children.

Jesus said, “Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him” (Matt. 6:8). He is constantly caring for and seeking the best for us—a reminder that in times of hardship, need, and fear, we have Someone who cares. Peter wrote that we can cast all our cares upon Jesus, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). We can turn to Him in our time of need. — Bill Crowder

I know not by what methods rare
The Lord provides for me;
I only know that all my needs
He meets so graciously. —Adams

What God promises, God will provide.

And this song is giving me peace tonight as Sabbath approaches, along with Christmas. Couldn't find the mp3 version so just leave it on the background.

Silent Night, Holy Night by Sara Ramirez

It is simply, breathtaking.

Home Sweet Home

2009-12-10T06:11:00.005-05:00

I'm HOME~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!

I never felt so RELIEVED to be home like this time. I guess i am slowly having enough of China? Well when haven't i had enough haha..Ah..well i don't want to blame it all on China but i am certainly getting a bit antsy now that my graduation is coming up next year.

B-bye for five days! :P PEK Airport Terminal cuz it looks nice. kk

The past few weeks I've been struggling with what to do with my future after graduation..and boy it wasn't pretty. Well we'll see what happens.

But for now, i needed to seek some refuge in Korea and eat some of my mom's renown excellent cooking (she's always telling me how much people enjoyed her new this and new that she tried making haha..) and also do some shopping,get a hair cut (i know that sounds spoiled. Go to another country to cut your hair? What? :P), and of course hang out with my friends.

So far?

Fabulous. Even though i'm just chillin'. See, that's what i luvvv about being home. Or just not being in china :P

And so is my mom's original cooking that i had to put up some pics (despite her asking me why I'm taking pictures of the food haha..)

Kimchi pancake, my mom's very own salad with original fruit dressing she made, kalbi and another ox tail soup that isn't pictured here. YUMM~~

Korean papaya tea (which is fresh from our very own home garden) and a traditional Korean street food/dessert called Ho-dduk (sweet filling inside pancake) which is my mom's newest thing she told me ppl absolutely loved.

Sorry for being the biggest dork. Hehe..i just had to. I'll probably regret putting this post up later haha..

Oh and my lovely father, after promising to have dinner together when i get home ditches me and goes off to meet his friends. Just~ lovely~ I was like, dad, how could you!! haha...I guess all the "missing us" talks becomes invalid once i'm like here. :P

The Sweetest Thing

2009-12-07T11:28:00.001-05:00

Teddy from Catty

I realize one always underestimates...well, pretty much anything.

Just when you think the world is crashing upon you, a friend treats you to a mani/pedi^^ and another brings your favorite Jasmine milk tea to work and later brings two identical teddy bears (with just different color) and asks you to pick one.

So sweet! That i had to leave some proof. That's how big he is. hehe..Finally have a new doll!

Thank you my friends, for bringing my spirits up. :)

A long way to walk to catch the train

2009-12-06T06:57:00.006-05:00

Talk about impulse shopping. I guess I do impulse hiking these days.

So there's this hiking group called Beijing Hikers here, which was introduced by my friend emily long ago, and after this long drawn out week of what i would call "China Syndrome" which is a term i had mentioned in my previous blog for the days you get tired of China and get depressed, I went online and RSVPed to go on an impulse hike.

I mean it's like an impulse purchase (it was like 250 RMB after all), just healthier.

They have different trails and themes that they scope out beforehand and you can pick and choose your dates. So i went today, meeting the group in front of the Starbucks at Lido Hotel at 8:30am to go to this village in Miyun 密云 county.

This trail is apparently the trail that the village people take to get to the nearest train station! Crazy. Aren't we thankful ours is a cab ride away. It took about 4 hours in total.

Here are some pics:

The laminated hand-drawn map of our entire hike course today. Entire course 12 km.

Looking out the window. 2 hour drive and not once did i read the two books that i brought >_<

The dry and barren land.

The first village we encountered.

The poor mule (or donkey?) grinding the mill. Do u see? He's blindfolded so he'll just keep on going.

The arses of the horse and cows with fellow hikers intermixed.

Peaceful. Two donkey's chillin'.

So the old man provided us with some yummy apple pears. He is our local guide who apparently drinks a shot of baijiu (chinese white wine) for breakfast and doesn't eat anything until dinner time at 5pm. Isn't that crazy? He's like 65. I took the liberty to take his pulse to see what kind of state he is in. The result? Surprisingly good (caution: not to be followed^^).

The highest point we got to. Had our lunch here.

I like this shot.

So it seems though that they just leave these dead persimmons on the tree on purpose. It was like that for every tree. My speculation? It's for new fruits to grow better.

So i lost this beanie and i have absolutely no idea how and when. Goodbye beanie! -_-

Not as easy to capture the "raw" beauty of this place.

So we end up at the lake which is our final stop to get on bus, and these beautiful villas on the lakeside are apparently "luxury prisons" for the corrupt officials who committed a crime. Watda...i mean that is some prime real estate and lots of dough they are using on prisoners. Now that is just wrong at so many levels!!!! Ah..it's China.

Definitely recommend autumn/winter time hiking. Not cold. Air is crisp and all the thick clothing prevents you from getting poked by the bushes. :)

Never Say Never

2009-11-25T00:01:00.003-05:00

So yesterday i "worked for money" for the first time in a long time.

My last job was my interpreter job at the UN which has been almost two years now. Oh i did a bit of english tutoring and translations here and there right after that but yeah.

It felt so good to be out there again, wearing nice (but sexy:P) business attire and carrying around my laptop like it meant something. hahaha...

The interesting thing is, I once again found myself being taught the lesson "never say never."

I've been very fortunate enough to get these well-paying interpreting jobs so randomly without any effort of my own. The UN job had just fell in my inbox one day the first year i got here to China after I did one job at the Canadian Embassy, which had also fell into my lap. Then this job came very randomly from this guy who had inappropriately hit on me before at school. I won't spare the details. But basically, I was always uncomfortable when this guy would approach me at school and "never" did i think i would have anything to do with him.

However, he randomly calls me and hooks me up with this person who was looking for a simultaneous interpreter for this conference for the World Toliet Association (WTA).

So there you go, never say never.

Interestingly enough, especially with all the toilet jokes that i've gotten, this WTA was an awesome NGO. They have this great mission to build clean, sanitary bathrooms, while educating those how to do so. They get funded by different agencies and governments to build beautiful bathrooms around the world where there is a great need. Some awesome people with a neat agenda huh? I never realized the "so many different ways" one can help people.

So here is my dorky self who asked to take a picture so i can blog:

The 17 countries represented at the World Toilet Association's General Assembly

Me at the simultaneous interpreter's booth.

From inside the booth. Do I look all professional? :)

Yeah, unprofessional. But he told me to look and smile.

The Chinese People's Association for Friendship with Foreign Countries(中国对外友好协会) was the Italian Embassy until 1949 or something. Looked very european in fact.

So that was what my hard-earned cash day looked like.

To top the day off nicely, i met up with Chaeryoung unni. Our times coincided to grab some nice dinner at this new thai place called La Thai and Apothecary at Nali Mall in Sanlitun.

Luv this new spot called Apothecary. With my Korean counterpart.

Oh and btw, my mom sent me this random laptop bag in her package early this year and i was like, mom, i would "never" use this. Well, there you go again. Never say never. Came into very good use yesterday. ;)

Nostalgia

2009-11-17T08:28:00.006-05:00

What would we be without memories and our past.

Today I suddenly remembered a song that I wanted to hear that I knew wasn't in my hard drive. So i had to take out my backup disc to pull it out. And boy did i pull music out. All these songs that didn't quite make it in my new macbook last year i started to copy them right over.

So nice to hear these old songs that once was such a part of my life before. Especially old Korean ballades..they're the best. Especially this one song called "인연 因緣" by Lee Seung-chul 이승철 made me miss my old friends and the times we sang it together coming back from our reunion trip at Atlantic City. Our guys were singing like there was no tomorrow with their not so "smooth" voices haha...

I even have a video but apparently i can't upload it. So here's a pic to commemorate our past:

Eric opbah, Jinkyu opbah, me, Esther, Wonjin opbah, Tae-im unni, and Jeeseun. Two guys couldn't make it, one is no longer with us, and the two girls at the end aren't quite in our lives anymore but this was our first post-college reunion back in July 2004 at A.C.

Love you and miss you guys.

love,

sook 숙

Purgatory vs. Earth

2009-11-09T06:27:00.005-05:00

A couple hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. "Never leave that till tomorrow," he said, "which you can do today."

This is the man who discovered electricity. You'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say.

I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection.

Sometimes, the fear is just of making a decision.

Because, what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true. That, by the time the pain of not doing a thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor.

And you thought I was speaking metaphorically.

The early bird catches the worm.

A stitch in time saves nine.

He who hesitates is lost.

We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometime we have to see for ourselves.

We have to make our own mistakes.

We have to learn our own lessons.

That waking is better than sleeping.

And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.

-from "If Tomorrow Never Comes" of Grey's Anatomy

The past few weeks for me was something of what i would call as being "stuck in purgatory."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not Catholic. I do not believe in purgatory. But i do think it is a very appropriate term for my current state.

As you all may already know or not know, I am in medicine. And not just any medicine but Eastern medicine. However the tricky part of this is that we learn and practice Western medicine as well.

However, easier said than done.

I might be revealing my achilles by telling you this, but after about 3 months of interning and right now being in my third rotation, i feel like such a dumb a$$. I feel like i'm in medical purgatory, neither knowing much about Chinese medicine, nor Western medicine.

And then on top of that, i am in a hurry. In a hurry to learn and perfecting this thing called medicine. I am in my last year and i keep on thinking, shouldn't i be like curing people left and right by now? Or at least be able to spell out everything that i've learned in the books? Be one of those interns in like Grey's Anatomy, answering oh so clearly the things my attendees ask? I guess there's a reason why i like to watch this show after all. It is like my dream situation as an intern. Perfect knowledge, perfect friends, perfect attendees, perfect hospital environment...they have it all.

But sadly, the imaginary doesn't quite reflect the reality. I do not have photographic memory, i certainly do not know everything, my attendees aren't always nice and willing to always enrich me with their experience and knowledge, fellow interns aren't my best friends (or regular friends even) and neither is it such a stimulating environment to learn, and yes, the hospital is not nearly as nice.

Well let me get to my point. My point is that, i started to get this unknown stress that was weighing me down like a tumor, because I felt so helpless and did not know what to do about it. I couldn't come up with a clear decision nor the courage to try different things. Especially after i got back from Shanghai, i started to feel even worse, strengthless. I felt so useless and just stayed at home, letting that tumor weigh me down more, and at the same time wondering why i was feeling this way.

Well, the last day of last week, i finally got my answer.

I was at the EICU of ER the past three weeks and it was boring as hell as these patients were all pretty unconscious and there wasn't much to do. My resident was sorta uh...not so bright, and she couldn't answer much to the questions her attendee was asking. So after much contemplation, I ended up lying that i had classes in the afternoon (not a complete lie though). I simply didn't want to stay in that environment where i was doing nothing, not learning. It felt so suffocating. I felt that i can make better use of my time if I went on studied on my own.

And i did, but not as much as i thought i would. I was wasting a lot more time than actually being efficient, and then slowly i started to feel even more stressed. This time, i felt like i was in work purgatory, where i was neither really working, nor really studying, nor really resting.

It took a lot of motivation to drag myself to the hospital..with the attitude of, to do what?

That is when i was transferred to the real Emergency Room 抢救室. It wasn't the best way to be transferred, but i made the choice and went. And that is when things finally started to turn around.

Of course having your Chief Attendee look down on you solely due to his preconceived notion that international students can't speak Chinese and are incapable of carrying out orders doesn't really make your day. Felt sorta useless at first because they wouldn't really entrust me with tasks. And then once again i was fighting within me whether to come back for the afternoon shift.

But after my attendee told me very casually to go for lunch and come back afterwards, before i knew it, i was nodding my head and i came back. I basically just blindly followed my instincts and took a chance. Something was telling me to come back.

When i did come back, all the other interns were gone (to a class) and it was just me--the useless int'l intern who supposedly can't do anything. Then a patient was brought in. She had pneumothorax 气胸. It was my first time seeing a real one and basically i got to assist in this minor surgery. It was gross when the blood spurt out but it was damn cool to see the whole process first hand from start to finish. And just when that happened, that is when i felt like I instead had actually been resuscitated back to life..or brought back to earth. I felt alive again, and i can feel that my blood was rushing. This is what i was missing. Actually really learning and experiencing things. And if i had closed my heart, assuming that i wasn't going to learn much and had not come, there was no way i would've experienced this.

The bonus part of this was that the same Chief Attendee who was worried about my "ability to do anything" saw me helping out and actually answering a question he asked started to warm up to me and actually started to teach me things. Today he doubted my ability to make a phone call, but boy did i prove him wrong. :P He said, " 她的口语还不错 Her Chinese is actually pretty good." Oh, thanks. >_<

Well, that day was the turning point where i was no longer "stuck" and got out of "purgatory." Not only was my day at the hospital great but i went for a business dinner/interview for this random simultaneous interpreting job afterwards, which was hooked up by a very unlikely person as well. Well you see, life is full of twists and turns. One day your enemy can become your foe, and another day you get a job.

Just like the aforementioned quotes say, it is better to take a chance and do it then to just worry and fear the unknown. Might as well just try something instead of letting it grow like a tumor until you come to the point where there is no way to save yourself 无法可救. And yes, it is better to wake up and go to the hospital then sleeping, because for "he who hesitates is lost."

China Travels I: Shandong, Tai'an's Taishan 泰山

2009-10-26T12:14:00.004-04:00

On 10/6 the second day afternoon.

Took a bus to the city of Tai'an 泰安, which is where my most anticipated part of the week, climbing of Taishan泰山, is waiting for me.

Tai'an seems a bit cleaner than Jinan. After i check in, i walk down to Dai'miao岱庙, which is the center of the town and also the temple where they made sacrifices for Taishan.

View from the top of the wall of one part of this large temple.

By this time, i am pretty "temple-d out."

I'm honestly beginning to start doubting my love for historical and cultural relics, uh..cuz they are all starting to look the same!

Next morning at 10 am i arrive at the foot of the mountain and bump into two german girls. We somehow decide to do this together.

All the landmarks along the way were like these. Some sort of gate 门.

The three of us in front of the many temples along the way.

The most adorable (3 yr old) kid climbing this super high mountain with his mother and a cane. His butt was exposed too. His mom said that they were going to get up to 中天门 Middle Heaven Gate, which is the first midway point. Felt very insecure about my stamina around him haha..

We were all gawking. So heavy! This is why all the stuff you buy on the mountain is expensive.

So hard to capture the beauty of the mountain. I was already pretty high up.

Simply amazing. How on earth do they carve out these words on the cliff?

One of the many stairs. The mountain has a total of 6660 steps. It was really tiring.

We get to the last point before summit called South Heaven Gate南天门 and look who we see who seemed to have gotten there way before us all happy and running around! Super kid!

The high point you see is the peak, the highest point called Jade Emperor Peak玉皇顶, 1545m above sea level.

Ah....we made it in one piece. Our celebratory pic.

Too bad you can't see anything due to the mist and clouds. Swollen, sweaty, and disheveled, but proud and happy.

See that? Those are the stairs we took to climb. View from the cable car on the way down (which btw is absolutely necessary to take hehe).

To say the least, Taishan was indeed amazing but i think Huashan华山 i think was better. That is the conclusion.

China Travels I: Shandong, Jinan 济南

2009-10-19T12:05:00.000-04:00

Departure from Beijing South Station @ 8:20 AM on D35 to Jinan, Shandong

On the new D train动车 anticipating my first trip a la me.

Can't forget my Wuhou Naicha (milk tea), my Moleskin journal and my P.A. Lonely Planet haha..

Within 3 hrs on the super awesome new train, safe arrival at Jinan济南.

First stop is Bao Tu Quan 趵突泉.

Other than the pollution^^ Jinan is known for there 100-plus springs泉 . That shimmering area is where the water is really springing out.

I think Chinese grandpas and grandmas are so cute.

Especially the ones that always hang at the park and tell you that the poker cards are originally from China. I kid you not. That's what they said as they were playing some weird game with it.

A very old stone carved when Emperor Guangxu光绪 came to visit.

A lot of ppl were taking pictures here so i was like, why not!

The Hui回族 women at the Mosque 清真寺.

This apparently existed since the late 13th Century. Very~ old. And did you know Shandong province was largely comprised of the Hui ppl?

Inside of the temple.

They have to have prayer 6 times a day in this temple kneeling down on that floor. How many times do i go to church? Just twice a week. Quite humbling.

At Daming Lake大明湖.

It looked just like the lake at the Summer Palace..or like a way bigger Houhai.

The mythical Yellow River 黄河.

It's yellow for sure with all the mud.

In front of the massive 10.1 60th Anniversary huge flower thing that covered the gate to the Thousand Buddha Mountain千佛山.

Everywhere i went they had something of this sort. Indeed the whole nation was celebrating the PRC's 60th anniversary.

This mountain is famous because it has so many Buddha statues.

Love this one. A Buddha picking his ear with THAT expression.

Yawn.

Ginormous right? Look at the next pic and you'll see it to scale.

Yeah how on earth do they carve something like that long time ago? It boggles my mind.

This was just one of the few gigantic statues.

Inside the Ten Thousand Buddha Cave万佛洞.

The picture really doesn't do justice. This cave is like the scaled-down version of Dunhuang敦煌 in Tibet.

One of the many bulging carved images on the walls of the cave.

I realize it is truly hard to capture something in a digital camera lens. The cave actually was the best part of Jinan but i can't possibly explain that with all the pictures that i have so i'm just going to hold off with the two.

To sum up, Jinan was all about bodies of water mostly. Other than that, um, mad pollution.

Guess where i'm going?

2009-10-19T07:26:00.008-04:00

ma ticket

In a few days, for the first time in the fiiiiiive plus years that i stayed here in China, i am finally going to where every man who comes to China has been to --Shanghai 上海. Ho ho ho...

Birthday in the Jing

2009-10-17T23:55:00.001-04:00

My Forever 29 Bday cake, from dina.

My Beijing peeps who came out to celebrate with me.

And the bday marathon continues...my friend's treat.

Last one..

A belated thanx to everyone who came even if you're not pictured here. Birthdays are actually sorta silly. You're celebrating your own existence. Maybe i'll do things differently next time.

Freedom is good

2009-10-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

So i think i understand why the pilgrims headed to America on the Mayflower.

And i think i understand why those Tibetans want to be independent.

Freedom is..simply put~~~ good~~~.

So i finally bought a VPN and although it didn't look like it was going to work in the beginning, it finally is and i am enjoying every bit of it. When in China, you really start appreciating the little freedom of being able to browse wherever you want. You can click and it goes. No restrictions. Just freedom. FINALLY.

Yeah you ppl in America have no idea what you have. Well now technically, since my IP address says i'm connected from New York City, I guess i am in the States hehe..somewhat. :P

Anyway, so i guess i'll try to update more regularly.

Moving Forward 前进

2009-09-23T08:46:00.003-04:00

人生的过程就是一个梦想接连着另外一个梦想，我完成了一个，现在要往下一个前进，你呢？
The process of going through life is following one dream after another dream. I just achieved one, and now i wish to move forward to another, what about you?
-from 败犬女王 My Queen

I think we often forget that it is the process that counts, not the actual results. We are always so busily moving forward to get to the certain ending point (终点) that we don't consider the process. This might actually be a cliche topic as of now. I noticed all the tv shows are very well versed with all the life lessons. They spell it out with the correct way and process and come to that great conclusion that we all only realize after going through life. I wonder though, is it because i'm old enough now and went through life as much as the years i've lived that i can watch and be like, yeah, of course, i know that! Or is it just really already so cliche that i know. If i was 18 years old right now, would i not know these life lessons?

I guess i have no idea of finding out since i'm not 18 anymore.

But either way, life is truly a mysterious thing. You try so hard to control it and plan it, and nothing ever really turns out the way you want it to.

I thought i was going to become an advertising exec, zooming through the streets of manhattan every morning in my power suit and heels with my morning bagel in one hand and morning coffee in another, fighting my way through the subway into my office building with my ID card, coming up with great ideas for clients, attending glamorous cocktail parties and social events....which i did i guess. It was short but i did.

But at the end, it wasn't for me.

Then i thought i was just going to be in China for only one year, taking it easy with my language classes, working at the UN as an interpreter thinking maybe this is my dream that i am suppose to pursue.

But who knew, this one year temporary stay would become five years and six years in running. And who knew, that none of the things i did or were doing had nothing to do with what God had planned for me in the future and the very thing i denied my whole life would become my life-long passion and dream--that is, becoming a doctor.

And who knew, the 5-year program that i thought would never come to an end would finally come to an end. I am finally in my fifth year in med school, and now i am busily doing my internship. Wow, never did i think this day would come, where i can say to the question, "So how many years do you have left in school?" "One year. I graduate next year!" haha...Every year, i would tell people how many years i have left and the reaction was mostly, "Are you serious? Wow, so long." Now i get, "Wow! Almost done! That's awesome!"

Not that people's reactions matter, but i guess it just shows me how close i am, and how long i've come. Especially when you see all your close friends going up higher on the work ladder along with the financial ladder, it really isn't easy. They've all continued on from the point where i left, and i started new. In the beginning being a student didn't really feel so different but as time goes by, you realize that the restaurants that you go every day is very different from the restaurants that they go to. This is only a small example, but that invisible gap is bigger than one realizes.

And then towards the end, which is about now, you start wondering if you'll ever really start making money, if you'll ever see your parents live an easier life, free of daughter's needs opposed to theirs, if you'll ever actually settle down at one place without feeling like a permanent nomad so you can actually develop pictures and buy frames with nice dishware. Especially when you hear from a friend, "Deborah, why can't you just have a normal life? Get married, go to a job from 9 to 5, hang out with friends..," you know that the definition of normalcy is way beyond you.

So who defines what's normal anyway? I sure haven't.

Well, i guess it took me awhile, but i realize normalcy is what i have. This is my world. The world that i chose to be in. Although i did have a hard time accepting things the way it is at first, and the process was quite tumultuous and dramatic, what is life without some drama anyway? My friend named me "drama queen" because apparently drama just surrounds my world. Although the weird thing is, i never intend for drama. All i want is a simple life, doing what my passion calls for, and sharing that with someone that i love.

Well i guess i better start saying this more often then. Because recently, in one of my pastor's sermons (that i interpret each week so that it is like engraved in my head), he said that what we wish to God for is what we will get. I realize i was quite a negative person. I hoped for things but inside my heart didn't actually believe that it would happen. In other words, i was a pessimist. It was only through recent events that i realized that i was. However, after some repeated mistakes and processing, i am the most optimistic person right now. Really, i am. I am full of hope, and not just hope, but actually positive hope. I am so sure and confident that God is really on my side, waiting for me to be ready for great things to happen. I can just feel it in every bone in my body.

And you know when you an feel it every bone of your body, it must be true.

It is just that they don't exist in the real world

2009-09-23T08:01:00.000-04:00

So in this taiwanese drama called My Queen 败犬女王, the girl is like 8 years older (she's 33) than the guy she's dating. So of course all the people around her are persuading her of all the difficulties and failed older women/younger man relationships (well, there is demi and ashton right? haha..).

So this friend goes off on her of all the dangers of being in this relationship and how it is doomed to fail and all of it is disadvantageous to her. So exasperated by all these comments the girl says....

girl dating younger guy: 总有一些成功的例子吧。净说一些失败的例子。
There must be a successful case. Just telling me the failed cases.

friend of this girl: 成功的案例....有啊!
A successful case...Oh there is one!

girl dating younger guy: 有? 什么？
There is? What?

friend of this girl: 杨过跟小龙女。只不过他们不在现实的世界里.
Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nv. It is just that they don't exist in the real world.

hahahahahahahahahaha...

Okay if you don't get who these two are, then i guess you will never understand the joke. But trust me, it is pretty damn funny.

So do you think anything beyond 5 years plus is work out-able?

Live like a Drama III

2009-09-12T19:37:00.000-04:00

제16회 第16集 Live like a Drama III 드라마처럼 살아라 Ⅲ 像电视剧一样生活吧 Ⅲ
by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

나는 결코 인생이 만만하지 않은 것인 줄 진작에 알고 있었다. 我早就知道人生是不容小觑的。
행복과 불행, 화해와 갈등, 원망과 그리움, 이상과 현실, 시작과 끝, 幸福与不幸，和解与矛盾，怨恨与思念，理想与现实，开始与结束，
그런 모든 반어적인 것들이 결코 정리되지 않고, 결국엔 한 몸으로 뒤엉켜 어지럽게 돌아가는 게 인생이란 것쯤은, 나는 정말이지, 진작에 알고 있었다. 这些永远分不开的反义词，终究还是要绕在一起纠缠不清，这样的人生，我真的早就明白了。
아니, 안다고 착각했다. 不，是自认为明白了。

by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）

나는 그날 처음으로 드라마를 만들려면 드라마처럼 살라는 정지오의 말이 가슴에 사무쳤다. 那天我第一次觉得，“想拍电视剧的话，就要像电视剧一样生活”，郑志武的这句话是那么刻骨铭心。

그래. 是啊。

드라마처럼 못살 것도 없지. 活得像电视剧一样，也没什么不可能的。

끝날 것 같은 인생에도 드라마처럼 반전이란 건 있는 법이니까. 就算是快要结束的人生，也可以像电视剧一样，突然出现反转的。

언젠가 지오선배가 했던 말이 생각난다. 总是想起志武前辈以前说过的话。

모든 드라마의 모든 엔딩은, 해피엔딩밖에 없다고. 所有电视剧的所有结尾都只有大团圆结局。
어차피 비극이 판치는 세상, 어차피 아플 대로 아픈 인생, 구질스런 청춘. 反正是悲剧主导的世界，反正是痛苦到底的人生，泥泞的青春。
그게 삶의 본질인줄은 이미 다 아는데, 드라마에서 그걸 왜 굳이 표현하겠느냐. 既然大家已经知道那就是生活的本质，又何必非要在电视剧里把它表现出来呢。

희망이 아니면 그 어떤 것도 말할 가치가 없다. 除了希望，其他无论什么都没有说出来的价值。
드라마를 하는 사람이라면, 세상이 말하는 모든 비극이 희망을 꿈꾸는 역설인 줄을 알아야 한다고, 그는 말 했었다. 如果是拍电视剧的人，就应该明白这世上所说的所有悲剧都是幻想希望的逆声。他这么说了。

나는 이제 그에게 묻고 싶어진다. 我现在很想问问他。

그렇게 말한 선배 너는 지금 어떠냐고. 说着这样的话的前辈，你现在怎么样？

희망을 믿느냐고... 还相信希望吗...

아무리 우리가 아름다운 드라마를 만든다고해도 지금 살고있는 이 세상만큼 아름다운 드라마를 만들 수는 없을거다. 无论我们能拍出多么美丽的电视剧，像我们现在生活的世界一样美丽的电视剧，是没办法拍出来的。

by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

그래도 우리는 우리 동료들과 포기하지않기로 약속한다. 即便这样，我们还是会和我们的同事们一起约定，绝不放弃。

내가 사는 세상처럼 아름다운 드라마를 만드는 축제같은 그날까지... 直到做出像我们生活的世界一样美丽的电视剧的那一天为止...

Conventional, New School, Immature and Puerile

2009-09-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

제15회 第15集 Conventional, New School, Immature and Puerile 통속, 신파, 유치찬란 通俗，新派，幼稚天真
by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）

나는 정말 드라마에서는 물론 인생도, 이렇게 살고 싶지 않았다. 我真的，不要说在电视剧里，在现实人生里，也不想这样生活。

이렇게 통속적으로, 이렇게 유치찬란하게 다른 남자를 이용해 싸구려 질투심을 일으켜 사랑을 확인하는 짓은 정말이지 꿈에도 하기 싫었다. 这么俗气、这么天真幼稚地利用其他男人，激起廉价的嫉妒心来确认爱情的行为，我真的连做梦都不想梦到。
게다가 이렇게 신파적이기까진 정말정말이지 싫었다. 再加上如此的新派...我真的真的厌倦了。

정말 선배들 말처럼 어쩌면 하늘아래 별다른 드라마도, 별다른 사랑도 없는 것일까? 真的像前辈们说的那样，天底下没有与众不同的电视剧，也没有与众不同的爱情吗？
드라마와 삶의 본질이라는 게 어쩌면 정말 다 별 거 아닌데, 다만 나는 아직 너무 어려 그걸 모르고 있는 것뿐일까? 电视剧和生活的本质，说不定真的没什么特别之处，只是我太年轻，还无法领悟这些吗？
정말, 그렇게 믿고 싶지 않은데... 我真的不愿意就这么承认...
이쯤에서 우린 어쩌면 모두 백기를 들어야 하는 건지도 모른다. 可事到如今，也许我们真的只能举白旗投降了。

냉정한 현실 앞에서, 사랑이란 건 차라리 철없는 유치찬란임을, 在无情的现实面前，爱情这东西还不如懵懂不通的天真幼稚，
가십이 필요한 사람들 앞에서 이해를 바라는 건 더 더욱 구차한 신파가 되는 것을, 在急于挖掘八卦的人们面前，奢望一点儿理解，会成为更加难堪的新派。

세련되고 쿨하고 멋진 인생은 드라마에서나 가능할 지도 모른다는 것조차도, 우린 이제 인정해야만 하는지도 모르겠다. 干练、潇洒，帅气的人生，也许只能在电视剧里存在，也许我们现在必须承认这一点了。

그런데, 왜 이렇게 불편한 건지. 可是，为什么还是觉得烦闷...
아직도 너우 어린 나는, 나도 모르게 마음 어느 한쪽에서 여전히 드라마처럼 인생의 반전을, 그와 나의 반전을 꿈꾸고 있는 것일까? 到现在还很幼稚的我，不由自主地在心底某个角落，是不是还依然幻想着像电视剧一般，人生的反转，他和我的反转？

지금 이 순간, 어떤 말을 해야 상투적이고, 통속적이지 않을까 생각해 본다. 现在这一刻，在想要说些什么才不会落入俗套又不会觉得俗气呢？

눈은 어떠냐고, 정말 괜찮은 거냐고. 眼睛怎么样，真的没事吗。
우리가 오늘 이렇게 또다시 잠자리를 하게 된게, 우리 둘 사이에 어떤 의미가 있는 거냐고. 我们今天这样又睡在一起，对于我们俩之间来说，有什么样的意义。
다시 아침이 되고, 서로가 반드시 해야할 말을 해야할 때, 전처럼 또다시 쌔하게 날 버리고 가버릴 거냐고. 当清晨再次来临，互相说出必须要说的话时，会不会又像之前那样，狠心地扔下我而去。
내가 그렇게 만만해 보이냐고, 묻고 싶었다. 我是不是看起来那么好欺负，很想问一问。

그런데, 어떤 말을 해도 지금은 다 유치할 것 같아, 하지 않았다. 但是，无论说什么，对于现在来说都是幼稚的，所以没有说。헤어짐과 이별을 반복하며 그와 나의 관계도 이미 통속해질대로 통속해지고, 유치해질대로 유지해져 버렸다는 것을. 反复着分手和离别，已经忘了他和我的关系也变得俗气得不能再俗气，幼稚的不能再幼稚。

좀 더 멋지고 세련된 반전을 기대하며, 끊임없이 머릿속으로 어떤 말을 할까, 말을 고르고 있는 이 순간이, 어쩌면 더욱 진실되지 못하다는 것을. 期待着再潇洒一些、再熟练一些的反转，脑中不断地想着要说些什么话、遣词造句的那一刻，说不定更不现实。
그렇다면 남은 건, 통속적이고 유치한 대사라도, 하고 싶은 말을 하면 되는건가? 那么剩下的就是，即便是俗气、幼稚的台词，说出想说的话就行了吧？

연인들의 화해란게 이렇게 싱거울 수 있다니. 恋人们之间的和解竟然可以这么平淡。
이젠 다신 헤어지자 말자는 맹세, 참으로 그리웠다는 고백, 너만을 사랑한다는 다짐도 없이, 이렇게 시시하게 무너져 버릴 수 있다니. 没有“以后再也不分手”的誓言，没有“真的非常想念”的告白，也没有“只爱你一人”的约定，就这么不战而败了。

"사랑한다... 무지 많이 사랑하고, 많이 보고 싶었고, 미안하고... 그리고 우리 이제 절때 헤어지지 말자." “我爱你... 很爱你，很想你，很对不起你... 还有，以后我们绝对不要再分手了。”

그때 알았다. 那时，我才明白。

예정된 통속이 유치가 신파가 때론 절대적으로 필요한 순간도 있다는 걸. 那些设定的通俗、幼稚、新派，有时也有绝对必要的那一刻。

A few things you can never get used to

2009-09-10T14:38:00.000-04:00

제14회 第14集 A few things you can never get used to 절대로 길들여지지 않는 몇 가지 绝对无法被驯服的几件事
by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

나는 한때 처음엔 도저히 할 수 없을 것 같은 세상의 어떤 두려운 일도 한번 두 번 계속 반복하다 보면, 그 어떤 것이든, 반드시 길이 들여지고, 익숙해지고, 만만해진다고 믿었다.
我相信，在这无法驾驭的世界上，不管第一次感觉多么害怕的事情, 在一次、两次，不断地反复经历之后，无论什么都一定会被驯服、变得习惯、觉得没什么大不了。

그렇게 생각할 때만 해도 인생 무서울 것이 없었다. 只要这么想，就觉得人生没什么可害怕的。

그런데, 지금은 절대로 시간이 가도 길들여지지 않는 것이 있다는 것을 안다. 可是现在明白了，存在即便时间流逝，也无法驯服的事情。

오래된 애인의 배신이 그렇고, 백번 천번 봐도 초라한 부모님의 뒷모습이 그렇고, 나 아닌 다른 남자와 웃는 준영의 모습이 그렇다. 相恋多年的恋人的背叛是那样；父母那永远寒酸的背影是那样；俊瑛不是对我而是对别的男人笑的样子也是那样。

절대로 길들여지지 않는, 그래서 너무나도 낯선 이 순간들을 우리는 어떻게 대처해야 하는 걸까? 绝对不会被驯服，因此感觉太陌生的那些时候，我们究竟要如何应对呢？

나는 드라마가 이래서 좋다. 所以我才喜欢电视剧。
내가 모르는, 내가 외면했던, 내가 무관심했던 숱한 사람들의 삶까지 엿볼 수 있으니, 말이다. 可以看见我不知道的、我无视的、我漠不关心的人生百态。

대체 다른 사람들은 사랑했던 사람들과 어떻게 헤어지는 걸까? 到底其他人是如何和曾经相爱的人分手的呢？

연희와도 준영과도 이번이 처음 이별이 아닌데, 왜 이렇게 매 순간이 처음처럼 당황스러운 건지. 和妍熙也好，俊瑛也好，都不是第一次分手，但为什么每次都像第一次一样，让我这样不知所措。

모든 사랑이 첫사랑인 것처럼, 모든 이별도 첫이별처럼 낯설고 당황스럽고, 어떻게 해야 할지를 모르겠다. 像每一次爱情都像是初恋一样，每一次离别都像是初次离别一样，既陌生又惊慌，不知道要怎么办。

그런데 정말 길들여지지 않는 건 바로 이런 거다. 可是，真的无法被驯服的正是这个。

뻔히 준영의 맘을 알면서도 하나도 모르는 척, 이렇게 끝까지 준영의 속을 뒤집는, 뒤틀린 나 자신을 보는 것. 明明知道俊瑛的心，却装作什么都不知道，就这样一直折磨俊瑛，看到这样矛盾的自我。

사랑을 하면서 알게 되는 내 이런 뒤틀린 모습들은 정말이지 길들여지지 않는다. 恋爱之后才知道，我这种矛盾的样子，实在没有办法被驯服。

그만하자고, 내가 잘못했다고, 다시 만나자고, 첨엔 알았는데 이젠 나도 우리가 왜 헤어졌는지 이유를 모르겠다고, 안고 싶다고 사랑한다고 말하고 싶은데, 왜 나는 자꾸 이상한 말만 하는 건지. 本想说“到此为止吧”、“是我错了”、“我们重新交往吧”、“一开始清楚，但现在连我也不知道我们为什么要分手的理由了”、“想要抱你”、“我爱你”这些话的，可为什么我总是说写奇怪的话呢。

Withdrawal Symptoms of Addiction, and Confusion

2009-09-10T02:24:00.001-04:00

제13회 第13集 Withdrawal Symptoms of Addiction, and Confusion 중독 후유증 그리고 혼돈 中毒后遗症和混沌

by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）

중독이란, 술이나 마약 따위를 지나치게 복용한 결과, 그것 없이는 견디지 못하는 병적 상태, 所谓中毒，是指过过度服用酒或毒品的结果，离了它就无法忍受的病态；
또는 어떤 사상이나 사물에 젖어 버려, 정상적으로 사물을 판단할 수 없는 상태를 말한다. 又或者是沉迷于某种思想或者事物，无法正常判断事物的状态。

두 사람이 만나 두 사람이 헤어지고 나면 모든게 제로로 돌아가야 하는데, 실제는 그렇지가 않다. 两人相爱然后分手的话，一切都应该回到原点，可实际上并不是那样。

혼란과 혼돈, 무질서로 불리는 카오스에도 일정한 규칙이 있다고 한다. 混乱和混沌，即便是毫无秩序的Chaos，都有一定的规则存在。

그렇다면 내 지금의 이런 말도 안 되는 행위를 한마디로 정의할만한 규칙은 무엇이 있을까? 那样的话，我现在这种不可理喻的行为，可以用一句话来定义的规则会是什么呢？

민희의 말처럼 관계연속중독증, 아님 이별이 낳은 후유증? 正如闵熙说的那样，是关系延续中毒症，还是离别留下的后遗症？
아니면 채인 여자의 복수? 不然的话，是被甩女人的复仇？
그것도 아니면 그냥 혼돈 그 자체? 如果那也不是的话，只是混沌它本身？

세상에서 젤 끔찍한 일은 이미 마음이 변해버린 애인에게 구걸하는 일이다. 这世上最可怕的事情是，乞求已经变了心的恋人。

그렇다면 나는 이제 그렇게 살지 않겠다. 那么，我以后再也不这样生活了。

by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

슬프다는 말로 시작되는 시가 있다. 有首诗是以悲伤的话开头的。

　　슬프다, “悲伤阿，
　　내가 사랑했던 자리마다 那些我曾爱过的地方，
　　모두 폐허다. 全都成了废墟。
　　완전히 망가지면서 完全地破坏
　　완전히 망가뜨려놓고 가는 것, 完全地破坏后离开，
　　그 징표 없이는 如果没有标志
진실로 사랑했다 말할 수 없는 건지, 就不能说真的爱过，
　　나에게 왔던 모든 사람들, 那些曾来到我身边的人们，
　　어딘가 몇 군데는 부서진 채 某处饱受创伤后，
　　모두 떠났다. 全都离开了

참 좋은 시였는데, 다는 기억나지 않는다. 真是首好诗啊，但是已经记不太清了。
그렇게 첫 구절과 마지막 구절 한 구절만 생각이 난다. 只是还记得第一段和最后一段。
마지막은 이렇다. 最后一段这样写道：

　　아무도 사랑해 본 적이 없다는 거, 从来没有爱过任何人
　　이제 다시 올지 모를 이 세상을 지나가면서, 穿越着不知是否可以再来的世界，
　　내 뼈아픈 후회는 바로 그거다, 我追悔莫及的正是这个：
　　그 누구를 위해 그 누구를, 한번도 사랑하지 않았다는 거. 我一次也没有为了谁去爱过。

His Limit

2009-09-09T05:32:00.002-04:00

제11회 第11集 His Limit 그의 한계 他的极限
by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

사랑하는 사람과 헤어지는 이유는 저마다 가지가지다. 和相爱的人分手，每个人都有种种理由。

누군 그게 자격지심의 문제이고, 초라함의 문제이고, 어쩔 수 없는 운명의 문제이고, 사랑이 모자라서 문제이고, 너무나 사랑해서 문제이고, 성격과 가치관의 문제라고 말하지만, 有的人说是心虚的问题；贫穷的问题；无可奈的命运的问题；爱的不够多的问题；爱的太深的问题；性格和价值观的问题，

정작 그 어떤 것도 헤어지는데 결정적이고 적합한 이유들은 될 수 없다. 但是所有这些都无法成为分手最主要最适当的理由。

모두, 지금의 나처럼 각자의 한계일 뿐. 只不过，都像现在的我一样，到了每个人的极限罢了。

준영이를 다시 만나면서 생각한건 대체 내가 왜 예전에 얘랑 헤어졌을까? 이렇게 괜찮은 애를..我再次跟她见面后我想的是我以前到底为什么跟她分手了？她总是个那么好女孩儿。。

과거에 내가 미쳤었나 싶게 나 자신이 이해가 되지 않았다. 我当自己当时疯了一样，我无法理解自己。
그리고 말은 안했지만 천만번 다짐했다. 다시는 얘랑 헤어지지말아야지. 还有虽然我没说，我对自己发誓了几千遍。我绝对不会再跟她分手了。

근데 또 다시 헤어지고 말았다. 可是我又跟她分手了。

내가 저질러 놓고도는 눈물이 자꾸날려고한다. 虽然是我惹的祸，忍不住流泪。

난 내가 생각해도 좀 미친것 같다. 我好像真的疯了。

그래도 난 준영이를 다신 안만날 생각이다. 可是我还是不跟她再次见面。

그게 내 한계라도 이제 어쩔수 없다. 这虽然是我的限度，我也没办法。

Live like a Drama

2009-09-08T11:20:00.000-04:00

제9회 第9集 Live like a Drama 드라마처럼 살아라Ⅰ像电视剧一样生活吧Ⅰ
by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）

친구도 필요없고, 애인도 필요없고, 하늘 아래 나 혼자인 것처럼 철저히 외로울 때가 있다. 不需要朋友，也不需要恋人，有时感觉世上只有我一个人似的无比孤单。

드라마는 드라마고, 인생은 인생이다. 电视剧是电视剧，人生是人生。
근데 아빠도 그런식으로 말 한 것 같다. 시처럼 인생을 살아라. 可是爸爸也同样说过这样的话，像诗一样生活吧。

왜 어떤 관계의 한계를 넘어야할 땐, 반드시 서로의 비밀을 공유하고 아픔을 공유해야만 하는 걸까? 为什么冲破某种关系界限的时候，一定要分享彼此的秘密和伤痛呢？

그냥 어떤 아픔은 묻어두고 깊은 관계를 이어갈 수는 정말 없는 걸까? 如果把伤痛埋藏起来，深层的关系就真的不能维持下去吗？

정말 서로의 아픔에 대한 공유 없인, 그 어떤 관계도 친밀해 질수 없는걸까? 如果没有分享彼此的伤痛，关系就真的无法亲近起来吗？

아빠는 내가 사람의 생명을 구하는 의사가 되길 바랐지만, 虽然爸爸希望我能成为救死扶伤的医生，

내가 드라마를 한다고 했을 때, 아름다운 드라마를 찍는 사람이 아니라, 아름다운 드라마처럼 사는 사람이 되라고 하셨다. 但是当我说要拍电视剧的时候，他说不要成为拍摄华丽的电视剧的人，而要成为像华丽的电视剧一样生活的人。

그런데 내 인생은 자꾸 내가 하는 드라마와 엇나간다. 但是，我的人生却总是和我拍的电视剧背道而驰。

Dramaturgy

2009-09-07T00:18:00.000-04:00

제7회 第7集 드라마트루기(dramaturgy) 戏剧作法 by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）
* 긱본(시나리오)의 연출법 脚本(scenario)的演出法
* 글을 쓰는 방법 写作方法

내가 드라마국에 와서, 귀에 못이 박히게 들은 연출의 기본은, 드라마는 갈등이라는 것이다. 我到电视台后，听到耳朵生茧的编导的基本是：电视剧就是矛盾。

갈등없는 드라마는 있을수도 없고, 있어서도 안된다. 没有矛盾的电视剧是不存在的，也不允许存在。

최대한 갈등을 만들고, 그 갈등을 어설프게 풀지 말고, 점입가경이 되게 상승시킬 것. 将矛盾激化到最大限度，不要散漫地化解，而是升华矛盾使其渐入佳境。

그것이 드라마의 기본이다. 那就是电视剧的基本.

드라마국에 와서 내가 또 하나 내 귀에 못이 박히게 들은 얘기는, 드라마는 인생이라는 말이다. 我到电视台后，我听到耳朵生茧的另一句是：电视剧就是人生。

그런데, 이 시점에서 드라마와 인생은 확실한 차이점을 보인다. 但是在这一刻，却看到了电视剧和人生的确切差别。

현실과 달리 드라마속에서 갈등을 만나면 감독은 신이 난다. 和现实不同的是，如果在电视剧里出现矛盾，导演就来了精神。

드라마의 갈등은 늘 준비된 화해의 결말이 있는 법이니까갈. 电视剧里的矛盾总是会以准备好的和解告终。
등만 만들수 있다면, 싸워도 두려울 게 없다.只要能制造出矛盾，就算吵架也不用害怕。

그러나 인생에선 준비된 화해의 결말은 커녕, 새로운 갈등만이 난무할 뿐이다. 可是在人生中，不要说和解，新的矛盾也是层出不穷。

Life is..

2009-09-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

제6회 第6集 Life is..산다는 것 活着
by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

어머니가 늘 말씀하셨다. 산다는 건, 늘 뒤통수를 맞는거라고. 妈妈总是说：人活着就是一直被扯后腿。

인생이란 놈은 참으로 어처구니가 없어서, 절대로 우리가 알게 앞통수를 치는 법은 없다고. 人生这家伙真的太无可奈何，我们根本没有预知的方法。

나만이 아니라, 누구나 뒤통수를 맞는 거라고. 不仅是我，谁都会被扯后腿。
그러니 억울해하지말라고. 所以说，不要觉得冤枉。

어머니는 또 말씀하셨다. 그러니 다 별일 아니라고. 妈妈又说：所以说，这些都不算什么。

하지만, 그건 60 인생을 산 어머니 말씀이고. 但是，这是生活了60年的妈妈说的话。

아직 너무도 젋은 우리는 모든게 다 별일이다. 对于还太年轻的我们来说，一切都很重要。

Pure love that is too much for me to handle

2009-09-05T05:13:00.001-04:00

제5회 第5集 Pure love that is too much for me to handle 내겐 너무도 버거운 순정 对我来说太沉重的纯情
by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）

10대 소녀도 아닌, 20대, 30대의 드라마 주인공들이, 늘 우연히 만난 지난 날의 첫 사랑때문에 목을 메는 한국드라마에 난 정말 신물이 난다.
不是十几岁少女，而是二十几，三十几岁的电视剧主人公们，总是期盼着与过去的初恋偶然相逢的韩国电视剧，我真的厌倦了。

생각해보면, 나는 순정을 강요하는 한국 드라마에 화가 난 것이 아니라, 단 한번도 순정적이지 못했던 내가 싫었다. 仔细想了想，我不是讨厌硬要纯情的韩国电视剧，而是讨厌哪怕一次也没有纯情过的自己。

왜, 나는 상대가 나를 사랑하는 것보다 내가 더 상대를 사랑하는게 그렇게 자존심이 상했을까? 比起对方喜欢我，我更喜欢对方这一点，为什么就这么伤我自尊呢？

내가 이렇게 달려오면 되는데, 뛰어오는 저 남자를 그냥 믿음 되는데, 무엇이 두려웠을까? 只要我这样跑来就行，只要这么相信跑过来的这个男人就行，到底在害怕什么呢？

A Story about Women whom I just cannot Understand

2009-09-04T05:11:00.001-04:00

제4회 第4集 A Story about women whom i just cannot understand 내가 이해할 수 없는 그녀들의 이야기 我无法理解的女人们的故事 by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

감독이 작품 속의 캐릭터를 완벽하게 이해했다고 자만할때, 작품은 본 궤도를 잃고 방황하게 된다. 导演因为完美地理解了作品中的角色而自满的时候，作品便偏离了原来的轨道而彷徨起来。

어쩌면 우리의 일상도 마찬가지이다. 说不定我们平时也是那样。

내 앞의 상대를 다 안다고 생각한 그 순간 뒤통수를 맞는 일이 일어나고 만다. 以为完全了解身边人的瞬间，却被人敲了后脑勺。 지금처럼. 就像现在这样。

이상하다. 很奇怪。
'당신을 이해할 수 없어.' “无法理解你。”

이 말은 엊그제까지만 해도 내게 상당히 부정적인 의미였는데, 절대 이해할 수 없는 준영일 안고있는 지금은 그 말이 참 매력적이란 생각이 든다. 这句话前几天对我来说还只有相当反面的意义，然而现在抱着绝对无法理解的俊瑛，觉得这句话实在太有魅力了。

이해할 수 없기 때문에 우린 더 얘기할 수 있고, 이해할 수 없기 때문에 우린 지금 몸안의 온 감각을 곤두세워야만 한다. 因为无法理解，我门才能更多地交谈；因为无法理解，我们现在才要全身心地倾听对方内心的感受。

이해하기 때문에 사랑하는 건 아니구나. 原来不是因为理解而相爱。

또 하나 배워간다. 又学到了一点。

My Achilles

2009-09-03T05:06:00.001-04:00

제3회 第3集 My Achilles 아킬레스건 弱点 by 준영(송혜교) 俊瑛（宋慧乔）
—— A few suggestions for new lovers starting a new relationship 새로운 사랑을 시작하는 연인들을 위한 몇가지 제안 为开始新恋情的恋人们准备的几个提案

지금 이 새로운 사랑을 시작하는 시점에서 나의 아킬레스건은 인정하긴 싫지만, 내가 너무 사랑을 정리하는 것도, 사랑을 시작하는 것도, 쉬운 애라는 거다. 现在这样开始新恋情的时期，虽然不想承认，我的弱点是：无论是结束恋爱还是开始恋爱，我都太轻易了。

하지만, 이순간 그것보다 더 중요한 건, 내가 이 사랑을 더는 쉽게 끝내고 싶지 않다는 거다. 但是，这一刻，比这更重要的是，我不想再轻易地结束这段爱情。

그렇다면 이제부터 나는 어떻게 해야되는 것일까? 那样的话，从此以后我要怎么做才行呢？

지난날처럼 쉽게 오해하지 않고, 쉽게 포기하지 않고, 지루하더라도 그와 다시 긴 얘길 시작한다면, 이번 사랑은 결코 지난 사랑과 같지 않을 수 있을까? 不会像以前一样轻易的误会，也不会轻易的放弃；即使乏味了，也和他重新开始长时间的谈话；那么，这次的爱情会和旧恋情不一样吧？

새로운 사랑은 지난 사랑을 잘 정리할 수 있을 때에만 시작할 수 있다고 한다. 新的爱情，只有在可以整理好旧恋情之后才能开始。
하지만 나는 그에게 마지막 인사를 하지 않았다. 但是我没有和他最后道别。
다만, 고맙다고 했다. 只说了声谢谢。

아마도 그는 그로인해 내가 얼마나 많이 성숙했는지 알지 못할 것이다. 恐怕他不会知道，因为他，我变得多成熟。

The relationship between heart flutters & power

2009-09-02T05:01:00.000-04:00

제2회 第2集 The relationship between heart flutters & power 설레임과 권력의 상관관계 悸动和权利的相互关系 by 지오(현빈) 志武（玄彬）

한 감독이 생애 최고의 대본을 받았다. 一名导演得到了一生中最好的剧本。
한 남자는 오늘 첫 취업 소식을 들었다. 一个男人今天头一次找到了工作。
한 남자는 내일 꿈에도 그리던 드라마국으로 돌아간다. 一个男人明天要回到他梦寐以求的电视局里。
그러나 이렇게 일이 주는 설레임이 한순간에 무너질 때가 있다. 但是，有时这些悸动都会在一瞬间消失。
바로 권력을 만났을 때다. 那就是面对权力的时候。

사랑도 예외는 아니다. 爱情也不例外。
서로가 서로에게 강자이거나, 약자라고 생각할 때 사랑의 설레임은 물론 사랑마저 끝이 난다. 相互明白彼此的强弱对比时，不仅是爱情的悸动甚至于爱情也会完结。
이 세상의 권력의 구조가 끼어들지 않는 순수한 관계가 과연 존재할 수 있을까? 这世上真的会有纯粹的没有世俗权利参杂的关系吗？
설레임이 설레임으로만 오래도록 남아있는 그런 관계가 과연 있기는 한 걸까. 悸动就一直是悸动，这种关系真的会有吗？
아직은 모를 일이다. 现在还不知道。

일을 하는 관계에서 설레임을 오래 유지시키려면 권력의 관계가 없다는 걸 깨달아야 한다. 在工作关系中，想长时间得维持悸动，就要明白相互之间不能有权利关系。 서로가 서로에게 강자이거나 약자가 아닌, 오직 함께 일을 해나가는 동료임을 알때, 설레임은 지속될 수 있다. 明白相互之间没有强弱，只是一起为工作打拼的同僚时，悸动可以持续很久。

미치게 설레이던 첫사랑이 마냥 맘을 아프게만 하고 끝이 났다. 疯狂痴迷的初恋，总是在心中只留下伤痛后结束。
그렇다면 이젠 설레임 같은 건 별거 아니라고, 그것도 한때라고 생각할 수 있을만큼 철이 들만도 한데, 나는 또다시 어리석게 가슴이 뛴다. 所以现在认为“悸动”没什么大不了，那只不过一时的，而我却再次傻乎乎的心动了。

그래도 성급해서는 안된다. 但是不能太性急。
지금 이 순간, 내가 할일은, 지난 사랑에 대한 충분한 반성이다. 现在这一刻，我该做的是，好好反省过去的爱情。
그리고 그렇게 반성의 시간이 끝나면 한동안은 자신을 혼자 버려둘 일이다. 然后反省结束后，要自我放逐一段时间。
그게 한없이 지루하고 고단하더라도, 그래야만 한다. 即便再孤单寂寞，也必须这么做。
그것이 지나간 사랑에 대한, 다시 시작할 사랑에 대한 최소한의 예의일지도 모른다. 那也许是对过去的爱情、对即将重新开始的爱情，最基本的礼仪。

PS: I would love to translate this in English but i'm too busy right now haha..Maybe later you can check for updates on the blogs if you can't understand either of these languages. ;)

The World They Live In

2009-09-01T04:21:00.000-04:00

I watched a korean drama sometime late december to early january this year, called "The World They Live In 그들이 사는 세상 他们生活的世界." It features the newly hooked-up couple (started in this drama apparently) Song Hyekyo and Hyun Bin. Two of my favorite korean actors. Initially, that is what spiked my interest to watch it, but the quality of the drama was far beyond what i thought it'd be. The writer is a very well-known writer in Korea and she's known to write some pretty deep, meaningful scripts. I couldn't agree more. Every narration was quite piercing to what we (or I) go through in life.

Well i'm about to put the script online. But wait! Before u think i'm crazy haha...i only copied this entirely from some random person's blog who took the liberty to translate the whole thing in Chinese. You can check it out for yourself:

http://fqwing.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!199FDDB7C11E989D!3977.entry

I was looking for a certain quote and encountered this blog. Well thanks to her, here's my blog now. :) They are noteworthy excerpts from each of the episodes.

Great Expectations

2009-08-13T09:26:00.004-04:00

"No one believes their life will turn out just kind of ok.

We all think we're going to be great. And from the day we decide to become ________________, we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great expectations of who we will be, where we will go, and then we get there.

Sometimes, the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected.

You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady...standing...still.

However, the expected is just the beginning.

The unexpected is what changes our lives."

-from Season 3, Episode 13 of Grey's Anatomy

Okay, call me crazy that i am so into this drama right now, but i am. It's not so much the love triangles and constant cheating, inappropriate flirting/relationships that is making me go on (seriously, american drama is just too much for me). But whoever is writing this script is damn good.

I just started my fifth year last week as an official intern at the China-Japan Friendship Hospital (中日医院). I'm sure the name simply sounds all graceful to you, compared to something like "Seattle Grace" in Grey's Anatomy. haha..We do five-week rotations with a total of 8 different departments and my first rotation is at the International Medical Department 国际医疗部一区. It sounds fancy but what it really is is a special department for patients who are willing to pay a higher premium to get their illness treated. So foreigners and rich Chinese people.

So it's almost another hospital in itself with everything in it, just pricier and nicer. And cleaner. They only have single rooms that are hotel-like, and we were told on the first day that we are to pay more attention and care to each patient since they are paying a lot more than others. I mean, today, i walked into a new patient's room and the living room was decorated in traditional chinese furniture, which gave me a little jolt of shock. Anyway, that is beside the point.

I feel so much more alive than when i was attending classes, or attending half classes, half rotations. I'm definitely stronger with the real thing than theory. I absolutely love it. Sometimes i wish it was a bit busier than this (like crazy busy) but because it is VIP, they have less patients. So oh well, i bank on the next rotation since it'll be in the regular hospital side.

So today, i felt a bit bored with life as i was taking my lunch break at the hospital. I'm perfectly happy, but i was sorta giving myself one of those, so why isn't it that i don't have any fellow interns that i can have fun with (i do but we're so different. Today at lunch, 5 of us were eating together and the socially awkward Chinese would not speak a word. I finally broke the ice after like 10 min but i guess it's definitely not anything like the tv series), why isn't it that even after all the friends that i have, i don't have a single person to call up and talk about my day, why is it that i'm always the one reaching out and never the other way around.....

And then i wish i was in the States.

But then something interesting happened. I called my friend in the States and i found out that something that i had great intuition for, something that i had followed my instincts blindly only because my intuition was telling me to do so, allowed one event to lead to another and is bringing happiness to her. And that's the thing. Although i had strong intuition for it, and i felt that it was good, and i actually put some effort into it to make things go the way i thought was the best, i guess it was unexpected.

Unexpected. Yes. I was hoping for it and willing for it to happen, but when i heard it was actually happening, woah, i was blown away! Because i didn't really expect it to happen. I think this is also a matter of lack of faith, but the point is, it felt great. I was so glad and happy for my friend. From the bottom of my heart. And the fact that i was able to take some part in it, made me happier.

That's why watching this episode really struck me. The narration just really drove home to what i was feeling today. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. But today, i am filled with great expectations to become an awesome doctor, who can make a difference in someone's life, who can help others, and also help myself. And i guess this is indeed what is keeping me steady, standing still. I cling onto it, because it is the only thing i know that i have control over.

But apparently, the expected is only the beginning.

"The unexpected is what changes our lives."

And i'm glad the unexpected is happening for my friends. And it yet again brought me to my favorite quote of all time that i had displayed on my cyworld homepage since i first got it like many years ago. It's on my facebook now.

有緣千里來相逢，
無緣對面不相識.

If it is meant to be, even if you are thousand lis apart, you will meet.
If it is not meant to be, you may be looking at each other but won't recognize each other.

Bad translation but you get the point. My friend's story totally brought me back to this quote.

I forgot about it for awhile, but now i remember.

why is the grass always greener on the other side?

2009-08-12T05:17:00.000-04:00

This problem seems to be the problem for many. I would think most people.

We always want something that we don't have.

But here's the weird logic in this. We can only want what we don't have, because we DON'T HAVE it. Get it?

So in many senses, it's not some irony. It is only logical. It is what is natural.

But it does kill ya'.

祝我生日快乐 Happy Birthday to me

2009-08-04T12:00:00.000-04:00

Woohoo~

The last day of my twenties

2009-08-04T07:09:00.005-04:00

So the day is coming in about let's see....7 hours and 33 minutes from now at this point.

Gosh, i don't know why i'm making such a big deal about it. After all, they say the thirties is the new twenties haha...this of course maybe is a load of crap that stupid Americans made up to make their "confident" selves feel more "confident." hahaha..

Well, in korean age, i've been over thirty. I'm suppose to be 31 in korean age this year. However, the American in me is in complete denial of the korean age and tells me that i'm not, that i've only lived 29 years and 364 days and 14 hours...so i'm going with that.

OKaaay...pulling the brakes now.

From this point on, it's all optimism. That was it for the venting.

SO~~~

There were a few things that were on my mind being aware of the fact that i'm going into my "mature" thirties now.

First off, i want to make a list of what i'm thankful for. I am thankful for...

My loving and supporting family..without them, i wouldn't be able to do what i want to do..and i know that my whole life i've been very selfish about just very that. I always managed to get my way and now, i feel like with being thirty and all, it's time to give back..as soon as possible.

My supportive friends whom i love dearly...how do i ever get through life without you guys?

All the hardships and tribulations i went through. Without them, i can't be as strong as i am right now. Maybe i need more (knocking on wood right now)..i still find a lot of weakness in me.

All the talents God has given me. Before i used to complain about some of it...really, not appreciative enough. Now, i get it. It's there for me to use for others...not for my own glory and self-satisfaction.

The fact that i found what i want to do for life and on my way to getting it done! God's will all the way. No doubt. Oh and now that i started on my actual rotations as an intern, i'm loving every moment of it at one of the best hospitals in town. Thank goodness!

My health and body...there was a time where this was a serious issue. But now, I feel great and i love myself. What more can one ask for?

My nice apt, A/C available whenever, my ayi who helps me feel unstressed when i walk in to my clean apt with food and all, the cheap tuition that is getting me through med school somehow, my macbook (luv~), my iPod nano for being there when i have no other friends haha.., the opportunity to live in a foreign country and finally being able to call it home. Yeah..i accept it. :)

Some things that i've been working on:

Letting go of all the past...bad relationships, friends who hurt me..and all the bad feelings, hurts, scars, sadness, hate, sorrow, and bad memories...all of it...i've been in the process of letting it go..and of course i asked Him up there to help me with the task. It is impossible to do it on my own.

Taking things day by day...i can say that i was the worst at doing this before. But now after much work, i am proud to say..i think i am getting there. Day by day...no worries for tomorrow..just live the day at its fullest. And when it fails, it starts all over again tomorrow.

Having more compassion for others....I always felt sorta heartless sometimes when it came to helping others. As a Christian, it does sound quite alarming i know. But recently, i've been feeling this true compassion coming out of me....i don't know what it is. But it's there..and i hope it grows.

Loving others more, loving me less....I am a "princess" apparently. And i guess the biggest symptoms of this "disease" is one being very self-absorbed and everything is about receiving rather than giving. So, been trying to give more to others..and let me tell you. It's an awesome feeling! Better than the feeling of receiving. Planning to work on it more.

Some actions i took to enter my thirties with grace:

Studio shot of me...it came out of no where walking around the streets of Apkujundong in Seoul. It was right before my hair appointment. I thought, i need a professional photograph to commemorate the last of my twenties..and my long hair. Turned out ok,,but expensive -_- I would have normally uploaded this photo but stupid china is not allowing me to post photos!

I cut my hair...so the last time i had short hair was in twelfth grade. At that time i don't remember why i cut my hair, but the ends of my hair touched right above my jawline. It's a bit longer than that, but it is definitely the shortest i've ever had since 18. I always loved long hair..and i still do. But i wanted a change, and i heard that when you cut your hair, it helps. So i did it. All that hair, chopped off. Yikes (i was pretty sad looking at the damage on the floor of the salon)!

Telling myself I am an adult now...okay, i know that sounds weird, but being in a college environment with ppl who are on average 23 doesn't really help you with the maturity. And i am pretty good at bringing myself down to that person's level haha...or more like enjoy it? keke..JK. But this time, ending my twenties, i naturally started to sorta weld into the maturity level of i guess what i should be? Hahah...well i guess it's hard for me to say how mature i am since it is very subjective. I guess the point is, that i am sorta purposing myself to become more mature and let go of my childish ways.

Ok, i guess that about wraps things up on my end to commemorate my twenties and enter my thirties. I'll let you know how it goes. I have no doubt that it will be better than my twenties, since i now know who i am, what i want, and where i want to go to. That is DEFINITELY different from the wandering twenties. :)

On anger

2009-07-30T10:48:00.004-04:00

This is an interesting quote that i came across seeing my friend Hanna's status on facebook:

Interesting statement from reader's digest about anger: "We're stuck with it, and making sure it doesn't hurt you means understanding when to express it -- and when to let it go. It's having only one way to react -- always or never -- that can make anger a problem."

I was going to make a medicine blog out of this actually but realized the scale of this whole topic is way bigger than the amount i can handle during my break. I will be talking about it in the medicine blog about the "Seven emotions and Six Desires (七情六欲)" and anger is one of them. So stay tuned for this!

Coming soon!

My trip to Hong Kong

2009-07-27T01:18:00.009-04:00

The nite view of Hong Kong City from Kowloon side

As soon as my last final exam ended at 10:40am on july 9th, i went home and got packed and headed out to Hong Kong to chill with my best friends.

Here are some pics from my trip:

So i get into my guest room and there is our pic from two years ago in HK. A custom-made room, a la Christina.

It's hotpot but with congee instead of broth..with seafood and meat. I couldn't quite down the seafood but nonetheless this hole-in-the-wall place proved to be good. With friends in HK

Our first pic together reunited in HK in front of Times Square

Participated in a workshop to make plants. Us busily working at it.

Proud of our accomplishments.

Everytime I come, there's a Beer Festival going on in Lankwaifang

Mr. Tan, Mrs. Tan and me at a chic lounge in LKF

At the bustling streets of Central

At the Avenue of the Stars

Me and Christina

The last day after tea and macaroons in Central

Goodbye HK for now! :)

the thing about being back in Korea II

2009-07-22T01:27:00.007-04:00

Passing by the streets of Seoul

the thing about being back in korea is that..

i become more social..why? have no idea. I don't even have any friends here. Well, okay, that's a lie. I do have some friends but i guess technically there are more in number in beijing now. All my friends are all in the States pretty much. But just being out in the streets of seoul, going into cute cafes and restaurants, bookstores everything is just a whole different experience here. And of course, there is the added bonus of the fact that EVERYBODY SPEAKS KOREAN HERE!

The noisy kids doing their PC games at the local PC Bang (meaning a room full of PC's)

no internet sites are blocked...i have no other way to describe this or to add on to. It is just simply amazing (do i sound like a dork? Live in china and you'll understand).

internet speed is FABULOUS...again, no comment.

i can get Dunkin' Donuts iced lattes & Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf's Vanilla Ice Blended...china, get with it!

The making of a Krispy Kreme donut

i can get Krispy Kreme donuts...luv it! I hear China just signed an agreement but it will be a few years for it to actually be out in the market.

i don't have to calculate the exchange rate...haha..okay, what can i say, it's an added stress living abroad. I tend to convert everything to either US dollars or Korean won, whatever's convenient at the time. Esp with the high exchange rates with RMB that fluctuates all the time, yeah, not so good. I'm studying chinese medicine for a reason! :P

The dork that got excited about wasting time at a PC bang and had to order ramyun cuz she got too hungry haha..i finally did what every other korean does here!

lastly, i can be so bored but be fine and fulfilled...like now haha..i'm wasting my time at a PC bang writing about what i like about korea haha...something about china makes u so busy but still somewhat dissatisfied.

DJ~~~~~~ Jooch! in action

Jooch recording and inteviewing his German guest

My friend jooch, the now acclaimed DJ JOOCH, just asked me to go to his radio recording. See, never a dull moment here. I think he just wants to show off his "celebrity-dom" but sure, why not. Be aware, he might become famous! ;)

the thing about being back in Korea

2009-07-21T11:08:00.005-04:00

The thing about being back in korea, is that there are...

always new buildings, new stores, new signs, new everything. So if the same restaurant is still there, congratulations on keeping your business alive.

always an increase in the public transportation fare (so i took my first cab and he didn't put the meter on. When i got off, so how much is it? He's like, the basic fare. I was like..uh.....yeah, so what is that?).

always an improvement with the subway system (it's like the HK airport express. Tells u how many min till next train!)

always a new trend (apparently, this time it's shorts. Hell, i was wearing shorts already haha..).

always great shoes,cute clothes, cute everything to buy..awesome shopping (hehe..), without failure.

Korea is seriously really developed now. All i can see is how bright and shiny everything is. SO~~~different from china. Everything in China seems to be sorta dodgy. I mean i go to places like Shin Kong Place where it's brand new, but still...something's missing inevitably from the luxury equation that they're trying so hard to accomplish. But korea, they don' t even try hard anymore and it's all very very nice.

Not that i'm into that stuff. Just i'm always very in awe at how fast korea changes and how fast things improve. It is seriously so convenient now and the best thing is, people are actually polite. They say sorry when they bump into you!

However, there is one thing that was catching my eye.

So i get in the new and improved subway, and i notice a lot of old people around me who are trying to get into the subway. I mean some even slightly cutting but unnoticeably. Korea, if you don't already know, is a place where older people are "seriously" revered. So we have seats especially for "the weak" and "the old." They did a lot of public campaigns to get the younger ones to yield to the old grandpa. I mean it's great and i think it should be that way.

However, i think it's going a bit overboard. It has come to a point where these old people are like seriously demanding those seats with just one look of "this is my seat." Even if it's not those designated seats, even like ahjumma's who aren't even that old, they ask you to get up. I mean it is to the point where young people just don't even bother to sit in those seats even when it's like completely empty. I saw the same thing happening today while on the subway and i was like, this is actually quite too much. They take it completely for granted to the point where you will be seriously put down if you don't.

I think it's time for a reverse campaign. Like, "old people, be appreciative that young people give up seats for you!"

世界末日

2009-07-05T09:31:00.006-04:00

Hmmm..pretty weird title, i know.^^

Every time exam period comes around (which is like practically every two months), there's something i need to inevitably do. And that is, to go to baidu.com and download new songs.

Why? Because i get so sick of hearing the same songs over and over again on my iPod nano whilst sitting there in my classroom studying the whole day. My nano is in an integral part of my student life indeed.

So the name of the artist that is on the top of my list to download? is unfailingly Jay Chou 周杰倫 (Zhou Jie Lun).

I always think that i have all of his songs, but when i come back to this site and type in his name, there seems to be new songs that i have missed before. So yet again today, after going to school and realizing that i need a fresh batch of songs, i came back home and baidu-ed him again along with Flo Rider.

And then it's pouring outside. I luckily came in between the time when it had stopped raining. It's not because of the rain, but today i feel a bit sad and melancholy. Studying seems impossible to do. I get into these modes. And it's okay. Well, obviously not okay for my exam, but..^^

So one of the songs that i downloaded was "世界末日 (Last day of the world)". I actually knew this song from karaoke, and i always forgot to download it. The M/V has Jay Chou singing and playing the piano and in the middle he suddenly takes his shirt off. Had no idea Jay Chou had a hot body but apparently he does. haha...Anyway, this song today really is ringing upon me today.

世界末日～周杰伦～

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪点点头承认自己会怕黑
我只求能借一点的时间来陪你却连同情都不给

想哭来试探自己麻痹了没全世界好象只有我疲惫
无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞

天灰灰会不会让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑梦违背难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁也许事与愿违

累不累睡不睡单影无人相依偎
夜越黑梦违背有谁肯安慰
我的世界将被摧毁也许颓废也是

我的世界将被摧毁也许颓废也是另一种美

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5Xef--ioXc

I know, today's entry is pretty lame, and also not as long as my former entries, so i know y'all must be disappointed. :P

A letter from a good friend..

2009-06-21T23:45:00.007-04:00

June is almost coming to an end.

I just love this weather. It's not super hot, nights are super cool, and mornings are crisp. Perfect for a nice brunch outdoors.

Which reminds me, i've been having nice brunches outdoors in beijing!

Yes, indeed the jing is becoming a place for foreigners to be in a foreign country whilst pretending to be back at home. Thus, all these new restaurants are sprouting out in the main foreign expat areas where you really can't tell if you're in BJ or in NYC. Although I guess there's nothing wrong with craving for a bit of home.

So for some reason, this week was a week where many people departed beijing. Just this morning, two friends had left and more are leaving.

I, on the other hand, is just starting life. haha..

My life of final exams is here once again. But on the bright side, this will be my last set of real final exams. Yes, i am finishing up four years of my study in TCM, and i have one more year left (woohoo~!)! Next year it is purely rotations so i won't be having any more classes (unless i choose to). So essentially, this semester is the last real semester as a student. But rest assured, i still have lots of exams left PLUS a thesis (in Chinese) to write. I have to take what they call graduation exams, which is more or less a review of the important core subjects we've taken. So i guess either way, i'll still be seen at that little classroom studying away while going to the hospital (中日医院 China-Japan Friendship Hospital..i know weird name) every morning to shangban上班. Not looking forward to it but i guess it's just for one year.

So while i was planning my day today and the next three weeks this morning, i received an email from a very good friend of mine. Her and i have this special bond and we always talk a lot about spirituality and character refinement. Though one thing is that she's really bad at following up so i only hear from her like every once in awhile. So today's email was quite a surprise from like a four-month hiatus. However, it really struck me what she said, and i thought that it'd be nice to share with everyone.

Hey girl!

How's life? How are you doing?

Sorry been out of touch for long.

Thanks for sending the pic, you look good. keke...

But I'm sorry to hear love life is rough. Doing better now? Truely hope so.

Remember, love is tough but it's the best way for us to grow and expand so keep your spirits high.

I've had some confrontation with my covered up emotion as well lately.

It was hard to even come face to face with my stashed up emotion but I dealt with it and feel so much better.

Whatever the outcome, the honesty has blessed me with more freedom and compassion within myself now and I feel I can give so much more.

Just remind yourself that whatever challenges you're facing right now is a part that needs healing.

So take the time to really go deep within to face the root of whatever you're feeling but observe it with a sense of detachment so you can look at it in a larger perspective.

Then, you'll get answers to how to navigate.

The answer is within you because you know yourself the best and only by knowing yourself will you understand others with compassion. Set the intention and you'll find out.

Even if everything is confusing, if you set the best intentions for yourself and others, God will guide you.

I'll write more in detail soon.

Miss you and hope the best for you.

Love,

XXX

When we look around us, everybody seems fine. People are all laughing and smiling, which is the way it should be. But what we often forget is that under that smile, under that laugh, there is something that we don't normally see. We are all hurt in some way, lonely in some shape or form, our spirits are yearning for something that we don't quite understand, even when it's your own emotions.

So whatever we are going through, like my friend says, it is something that we need "healing" in and in order to do this, we really need to be able to come face-to-face with our own selves, and not run away from it. I am the queen of running away from problems, and it is only until recently that i started to really face the truth and deal with my hidden emotions. Oh how much do i regret running away. I would've grown up and matured a lot faster.

What is the point of doing this? And this is where i got stuck sometimes. But i think my friend has the right answer:

"Whatever the outcome, the honesty has blessed me with more freedom and compassion within myself now and I feel I can give so much more."

It is so that we can give.

I heard a sermon from my pastor last week, that we need to ask God for blessings for others but when we do this, we need to be happy and secure about ourselves or else, that blessing is almost obsolete. Why? Because we wouldn't be doing it whole-heartedly, and whatever that is half-ass is not true enough. If we say that "I am so happy for you," and we're actually envying that person's good fortune, does that count? I don't think so.

Yeah, we can just live life and have fun. It's easy. For sure.

But i know we have a higher calling than that. I think we were given a conscience and a mind to think, and a heart to feel compassion for a reason. And I think that's how we differ from animals.

I think the following verses sorta sums up what i said. The last part is my favorite. If your soul is searching, i hope that this can be of help:

But let your heart keep my commands;

For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.

Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart,

And so find favor and high esteem
In the sight of God and man.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

-Proverbs 3:1-6

A Tribute to Love

2009-06-02T09:29:00.006-04:00

The happy couple who got married: Mr. and Mrs. Cheng

My good friends Ray and Dina just got married in NYC on May 31st.

They've dated for 8 years!

That sounds like a very long time and it makes me think a lot about love, about what love is.

When i was young, i had so many fantasies about love. I dreamt of everlasting, pure love. A hopeless romantic.

So where did i get these ideas from?

Well, as many romantics usually are, i was also an avid reader of novels. In my teenage years, I would stay up till the wee hours in the morning to finish a book that amused me. Later i even got into manga (shojo mainly). Let me tell you, there are a lot of great stories in those japanese/korean comics for girls(no judgments please~:P). I sometimes literally cried my eyes out reading a tragic love story (that was a comic book). Haha.. Especially if it had a historical element or background that was true, bam! You got me hooked.

But nothing else could compare to my fetish for Chinese martial art TV series. My father was very much into these Hong Kong TVB series, and so us being his children and all (me and my sister) of course naturally followed his path. I think my very first one was Jin Yong金庸's The Saga of the Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre 倚天屠龙记 as they call it. The heroic main character and all the girls who loved him, and of course the twirling and flying of the characters. It was all just very fantastic.

Honestly, you may laugh at this^^ but i think it's not a stretch to say that this author named Jin Yong, who wrote all the famous stories in the fiction world of martial arts, pretty much defined the meaning of love for me. Simply put, love for me was something so rare and sacred. In all these stories, it was rare or rather non-existent for the main character to love more than one person. The guy meets somebody and except for a few exceptions (like that Heaven Sword and Dragon Sabre story), he would pretty much only go after that one girl. Nothing will come in the way of their love. It was what they so-called "meant to be (注定)."

Another aspect of these martial art series is that the love is portrayed to be very "pure." I mean, you watch like any American drama or movie, see if they don't start out with accidental sex or non-accidental sex. Everything is very physical, lust, cheating and really that's the main part. However, these Asian stories are always so "pure." Of course there are implied physical scenes, but my point is that usually they show the more mental part of love rather than physical being the reason of love. It's all about the heart, not the body or anything else.

Thus, I think i may have idealized love. Especially since it was sort of my dream to just have one boyfriend and marry him. Haha....how ridiculous that sounds to me now. I'm not going to say it is impossible, but lot of the time, yes, it is. I look back at my life and see what i went through that built up to be me now. Of course i still have a long way to go, but I am more mature and basically a completely different person than i was at my first relationship. So how could your first relationship work out with all the immaturity and selfishness that a young girl will most likely possess? And i think i still have those immaturity's and selfishness still in me. I mean, I don't think that one needs to date a lot of partners necessarily to be able to be successful in a relationship. But i do believe that personal growth is necessary.

So aside from all my ideologies and shortcomings, what does some reputable texts (in my perspective) have to say about love:

"Love is patient, and love is kind; love does not envy; loves does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails....And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another,....But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection." -Colossians 3:12-14

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." -1 John 4:7-11

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us." -1 John 4:18,19

"For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?" -Matthew 5:46

After reading these kind of verses, i see the high standard of what "real love" is and it sorta freaks me out. It seems like God is the only One capable of such unconditional and patient, non-self-seeking love. So maybe i'm just professing it and not really doing it. Like talking the talk, but not walking the walk. I mean, it is so easy to fall into that trap, thinking that you are doing the best you can, but the other person isn't.

Well i guess love is that one topic that one can endlessly chew on but still not able to completely digest. Love is such a wonderful thing when it comes to you, but it is the hardest thing to have, because we are unable to completely comprehend its depth, and therefore it is hard to reach the ends of it. Love surpasses even our own beings. And i think that is why i turn to God. Because He is the only One who surpasses love. He is love.

But for those mortal beings who were somehow able to reach its depth and "consummate" the love through marriage, i congratulate you from the bottom of my heart and wish you only love and happiness and some good-willed suffering that will inevitably follow in your life. :) Because love suffers long, right?

So as a tribute to love...congratulations Dina and Ray! I wish you two a lifetime of love and happiness.

So what is it about China

2009-04-26T10:02:00.015-04:00

The massive construction of the CCTV Building before the Olympics, taken on May 19, 2008

So what is it about China that changes us?

When i first came to China, i really had no idea what it was going to be like.

Here were some thoughts that entertained my mind at that time:

Hmmm...Communist China. How different would it feel?

I wonder how developed Beijing is. I'm sure it's not too bad. After all, it is the capital.

Am i going to be able to really hang out and communicate with the local Chinese?

Will my Chinese become perfection soon?

I wonder how the Broccoli with garlic sauce and Kung pao Chicken in China taste like. Do they really not have General Tso's Chicken?

How great will it be when i finally can do some real martial arts! I'm going to buy a real sword(hahahahahahah....so ridiculous now that i think about it)!

The view of the North Fourth Ring outside of my 21st floor apt. Great improvement to modernity since 2 years ago.

However, here is what became:

Oh, so really? This country is Communist? It doesn't feel that different. Well, except when i see the same 7 o' clock news on ever single channel, and oh, when they kicked out the pastor and 8 elders at one of the Korean churches for evangelizing.

I guess it's pretty developed. After all, there is a Starbucks pretty much wherever i go now.

Eh...had a Chinese roommate for two years, but other than that, not so successful on the having locals as friends part. We just don't click. I can communicate with them though. I guess that's good enough for now.

I feel like my English and Korean is improving instead, although i did have some grammar trouble in the beginning. It happens. Chinese? It has gotten better of course. But I don't know if it's getting any better though. Perfection? It's fine. No need to be perfect.

I think i like American Chinese food better. I crave it so much sometimes. And yes, they really don't have General Tso's Chicken. Sucks!

Tried the martial arts thing, even have a fake sword now, but i just don't have the time after the two years of P.E. at school. Besides, when i did put the effort to look for a teacher, these Chinese ppl keep on discouraging me telling me how i'm too old to learn martial arts now. Apparently, you gotta start young. What da..

Haha..okay, so they do say, the feeling before you go to the bathroom and after you come out is completely different (Korean proverb). It's not exactly what this proverb is intending to say, but close enough. All the dreams and expectations i had when i first came to China, well, yes, pretty much gone with the wind. Instead, what's left now is just the regular hum drum of life in China, that is slightly annoying rather than really annoying, only after five years of constant disappointment and acceptance of the reality.

The magnificent splendor of the Bird's Nest in Olympic Park on a rainy evening, taken in August 21, 2008

Okay, it's not that bad. I actually really like China now. Especially ever since the Olympics, it was like Beijing suddenly had this huge makeover that happened in like a split second. I remember after about a two month of absence, coming back to Beijing from the States was a huge shock. Where did all these new malls, roads, buildings, subway lines, trees and flowers suddenly appear from? It was like a mirage in the desert. Literally out of no where.

Me posing in front of the Water Cube that changes color every few moments. Taken in August 22, 2008.

So whereas the physical comfort of living in Beijing is somewhat elevated now since five years ago when i first got here, there is still a huge part that just doesn't seem to get better. And that is the people's mentality.

For such a fast growing nation, as in any country, it is hard for the people's mentality and culture to catch up with the ever rapid growing pace of technology and environment. And this is the reason why we all suffer from what i would call the "China syndrome." We know it all too well, and you can truly understand this ONLY if you've lived here before.

First off, people are RUDE here. They have no sense of what is called "personal space." They push and shove, without an ounce of remorse. No need to apologize. Because if you do, you become the one who did wrong. This weird mentality is elevated in its worse form when you get into a biking accident for example. Just say you run into another bike while trying to bike your way to school (which is a common thing here). Apparently, whoever blurts out the magic word "I'm sorry" is the one who gets the blame. It's like this silent battle of who has a thicker face.

So after going through this crap, a lot, you realize not only are you not getting any pointers for being nice and civil, but instead you are getting blamed for accidents that really isn't your fault. Not only that, but you realize that if you don't push and shove your way into the subway, you are not getting in until the next one comes, which means you will be late. Basically, one will realize sooner or later, that it is absolutely essential to push and shove, not feel bad about it, and never expressing that you are is for your own survival and good. And that being rude back is the only way to go. After all, they do say, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," right?

One of the newest luxury malls called The Place (时贸天阶), with the biggest outdoor ceiling screen..which they hardly turn on. Taken in May 20, 2008.

Another annoying thing about China is how they love to "save." I mean, come on, i am all for saving. I mean who would want to waste anyway? That's what i thought, until i came to China. They have a whole new level on the concept of "saving." In my building, they have two elevators, yet except for the rush hours of 7-8:30am, 12-1pm, and 6-7pm, they only keep one elevator open (it's annoying enough that when both elevators are working, the system isn't integrated so that pushing one button won't get the closest elevator to come. Really, they have to get with the program!). For people who never experienced this, you have no idea how annoying this is. But it is. Especially when you live on the 21st floor, like I do.

Not only this, but in subways for example, whenever i'm on it, the escalators are always turned off! And neither are the air walks. My gym is brand new and has escalators, that i've only seen working during the opening ceremony. Seriously. If you are not planning to use them, why build them?!?! Is this like a tease? Because i'm tired and want to get to places faster. And i don't care if i'm going to the gym to run an hour on the treadmill. I want to use that damn escalator! Stairs are tiresome!

This saving mentality affects personal hygiene as well. In order to save water, local Chinese tend to not take showers as often. My ex-roommate, who was this perfectly nice girl, only took showers and washed her hair every 3 days or so. And that was the reason. No comment.

Lastly, the inefficiency of these people. Omigoodness. I knew Americans have a long process of getting things done because of all the bureaucracy and what not. But here, you just want to blow your brains out when you see the way they get things done, if it ever gets done that is. And they have the nerve to tell you, "bie zhao ji (别着急)," meaning, don't rush. Are you kidding me?

I mean i can go on and on about all the things i hate about China. Shoving money at you on the counter when my hand is literally right there for them to place the money on it, the constant cheating that teachers allow to happen during exams, bad service and bad attitudes of wait staff, low moral standards students have here, and so forth. The list can be endless. And because of this, I've been angry, i've been depressed, i've been sad, i've been furious, and i've cried, and in the process, i felt myself slowly changing. I was becoming this angry person, who gets easily annoyed by everything. I was changing in a way that didn't exactly feel right, or good.

And then one day, i felt it. The anger has taken over me. I was no longer the easy-going, brush-things-off-really-easily deborah that i once was. Somehow i've managed to turned myself into this cold, angry, mean person who only cared for her own emotions. Everything was making me angry in China. I felt that everything was unfair, and felt so cheated, and with that i can feel my health going down the drain as depression is like a downward spiral for both your spirit and body(however, let me just say that a lot of people who come to China in the first place may already be sort of depressed, as i was. China just aggravates it. So it's unfair to say that it is all China's fault. Just wanted to put that out there).

Not having like-cultured, like-minded friends definitely didn't help either. It's hard to meet people who are similar to you here. Everybody's either too young or too old, too European, too Korean, too Chinese, too party-ish, too weird and different....and at the end, you just end up settling with no true friends to rely on or the rather braver souls don't settle but end up being alone.

But the funniest thing is, everybody complains about this. The same thing, all the time. That is why i can only call it the "China syndrome." You have to go through it no matter what when you get here. It is unavoidable.

The National Center for the Performing Arts, or a.k.a. the Egg built in 2008, taken on May 20, 2008

So what is it like now?

Well, i am proud to say, that i am back to the happy Deborah now. In other words, i got over it. There were many factors that contributed of course. But i think the biggest thing was my own determination to get over it. I mean, at the end of the day, you chose to live here for whatever reason that is. So we just all have to go through the culture shock, and then simply get over it. It's still a third-world country, so no matter how fancy the new buildings are, no matter how high-tech the cellphones the locals are carrying are, you can only expect third-world country behavior from a third-world country, and it is not their fault. They still need to catch up, and to be honest, they have gotten a lot better over the years. And the thing is, every single time we get upset, the locals can care less. We are the only ones damaging our own mental and physical health, as i did.

So that's what i did. I just took a deep breath whenever somebody cut in front of me and just let it go. Oh, well i did try something new recently. Before i'd be just standing there fuming, but now, i just quietly tap the person and say, "Uh, this is the line." And they get it. Why was that so hard before?

I think the proverb, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," or "入乡随俗(Follow the customs of that place)" isn't entirely wrong, and is true for the most part. But i think we need to incorporate morals and integrity into this. When these people almost innocently make these mistakes to us, let's try to remember that we can be the bigger person, and instead of an angry gesture that will only create more anger, actually turn the other cheek, as Christ told us to do, and show them that there is a more civilized behavior to react to things. Don't you think that slowly, one by one, it will get paid forward and may turn the whole nation around eventually? I believe that this can work. And it is definitely much better for your own health as I am proud to say, that i am no longer depressed or angry, and my physical health is in very good condition.

So as much as i can't wait to graduate and move back to the comforts of my own home in the US, I've definitely adapted to this place called China. I still have my complaints, but for now, it is now what i would call "my home." Ah...

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also...love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."

-Matthew 5:38-40, 44,45 (New King James Version)

One Hundred Days

2009-04-20T11:10:00.007-04:00

Our first pic ever at my church's Christmas Charity Concert.

On Valentine's Day at 798 Art District in front of the restaurant we had Christmas dinner before.

At Ding Ding Xiang on our Baek-il

Yesterday, April 19th, marked the one hundredth day mark for Derek and i.

Time flies. Indeed.

The thing is, 100 days (or in korean called Baek-il) is a very important milestone in Korea for couples who are dating. Apparently not for the rest of the world. I had no idea Korea was the only country that considered this an important anniversary. But we discussed it in the beginning and decided to celebrate it.

Beautiful decor. Nicely presented hot pot. Happy couple.

However, me not being good with numbers and all, forgot to count it and was assuming it was sometime next weekend. Derek however who is good with numbers remembered and surprised me with a work-out session that we simply had to do together (not that we normally don't go to the gym together) that i didn't want to go at first because i was too tired from the bowling festivities the night before (haha..yeah..i was feeling bad later when i found out why he was so adamant^^), and then to a nice dinner at Hotpot Paradise (鼎鼎香), one of my most fav Chinese dishes.

Smiling with the 100 day gift at the store. Does it look like him?

And then he surprised me again. He went to the bathroom and then called me later and told me to come meet him where the Subway is. I was like all why isn't he coming back here instead, but just went. And then there he was, holding the doll i've been lusting after for for awhile (yes, i'm 29 and still love dolls). He had the one he wanted to give me picked out already, but he said he wanted to make sure it was the one i liked. Haha...he thought it looked like him when he smiled that widely. And yep, it did.

The doll really was quite a surprise. And of course i was feeling even worse that i had forgotten. I will indeed make it up to him very soon. :) Thanks honey!

Everything happens for a reason..apparently

2009-04-14T10:01:00.004-04:00

So this is my third time losing(in the form of both being stolen and actually losing) my wallet in China.

THIRD TIME!

Within five years!

But as ppl say....EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

I'm sure you are wondering, so what kind of good outcome can come out of losing a wallet? Or what kind of divine providence can be explained through this?

Let me tell you what happened (it's kinda long..but bear with me please).

It was after some hefty grocery shopping with my boyfriend at the newly discovered Wal-Mart downtown near Guo Mao(World Trade Center) yesterday. I chose to wear his sweat shirt (it was cold) instead of my own thin hoody and i put my wallet and cellphone in that middle pocket. It was all fine and dandy until my hands were full and heavy. We luckily found a cab instantaneously and as usual, i got in first.

We got off at his apt complex approximately around 10pm. Derek offered him a one hundred RMB bill but the cab driver coldly brushed it off with the word, "zhao bu kai," meaning i don't have change to give you. So letting go of all the stuff in my hands, i took out my wallet and gave him the exact change and when i attempted to put the wallet back in, because of all the stuff pressing against me, i was only able to put my long wallet half way into the pocket.

And that's how i lost it.

Getting out of the cab, it slipped out.

Normally derek's super cautious so he always looks back and always tells me to do so as well. But blame all the bags we had, and blame me trying to be nice (for once). I got out and used my derriere to close the door. Taxi drove off.

It was only moments after we got into the apt i realized my wallet was gone...forever..i thought at that time. We made the effort though. We went around all of Ocean Paradise in desperate hope that the cab driver after pulling out all the cash (which i thought was about less than 200 RMB..turns out was 200 RMB exactly) and whatever else that he felt useful (truthfully, i had an expired Citibank credit card, my ICBC bank card, bus card, movie discount card, cafeteria card, and a bunch of receipts...none of which are useful to him nor will it even work) threw out the wallet outside the window. I just really wanted to salvage what was left of my wallet as much as i can. We even questioned the cab drivers parked outside to take customers home!

But no, no luck.

I got over it, pretty quickly to my surprise. My 30 RMB wallet from Silk Market..um..yeah, i liked it a lot, but what the hell..this time at least it wasn't a Gucci or a Kenzo wallet (yeah, the last two times were those wallets and it was STOLEN!!! Once while on a bike and another at a clothing market) with a lot of cash and working credit cards plus NY driver's permit/State iD! Lemme just say i learned my lesson back then.

Then the next day.

I come back from class in the afternoon.

I get a phone call on my landline, asking for my landlord. And this Chinese man says the magic word: "Qian bao," meaning wallet.

I was ECSTATIC to say the least.

Basically, he got my home number and landlord's name because of the phone bill i kept in my wallet. And miraculously, i would've never done this, but i only did it since that was the bill i needed to split with my ex-roommate. So i had just kept the two bills in there to not forget!

So anyway, he wanted me to come all the way to Shangdi, which is above Wudaokou..meaning very far. I didn't even have money for cab. So i took the bus and arrived at the building where he worked after about an hour.

Turns out the man who picked up my wallet talked to his boss and somehow he got involved and the boss was the one who actually called me. So i had to talk to the boss for like 10 min until finally, the man brought my wallet. They were so thorough, asking me what items were in there. I had no idea Chinese ppl in the mainland could be so nice and so thorough like this haha..

I know i'm kinda dragging this along, but here's the best part. How he got the wallet:

I got off the cab around 10pm at Sihui which is like the South east corner of beijing. He got on at Changping around 11pm, which is north of beijing (like out of beijing). They're must have been at least 2-3 ppl who rode in between but luckily it was never discovered in the darkness. This man gets on in the front, and his wife in the back with all they're stuff. She gets off, gathering all the stuff on the ground, and accidentally picks up the wallet, mistaking it to be her husband's. Come home, and huh? What's this? This isn't mine.

And that's how he discovered it, and called me the next day.

The other weird thing is, that i wasn't home all morning so my roommate picked up around 9:30 am. Because she thought the guy was calling for my landlord's wallet, she called him only to hear that nope, he didn't lose it. In fact, he told her that it's a scam so don't pick up. So she didn't. But this good man, trying so hard to find the owner his/her wallet, kept on calling all morning until i finally picked it up when i got home. My roommate was gone of course.

First of all, lemme just say, it is simply AMAZING, that this kind of stuff actually happened to me in no other than CHINA! Seriously, you cannot expect anything close to that in this country since mostly ppl here are about survival (so in a way i understand). They will eat up the cash when they see it. Especially since i have a first-hand experience of getting my wallet stolen twice out of my bag before, that pretty much will do it for anybody to lose faith in ppl.

But then, something very similar came up to my mind. There's a Sex and the City episode called "The Post-it Always Stick Twice," where Carrie is complaining to her girlfriends (yet again) about how Burger broke-up with her on a post-it that morning. And this is what Charlotte says:

Charlotte: "But Carrie, everything happens for a reason. Even if you don’t know what it is yet."

Carrie: "That’s such bullshit."
Charlotte: "It’s not. Look at me. If I had never married Trey, then I never would have gotten divorced and I never would have met my divorce lawyer Harry, and I wouldn’t be engaged now."
Carrie: "Uh-huh. Paper covers rock."

Then later...

Carrie: "Maybe everything does happen for a reason. If Berger hadn’t left me in the most horrible way anyone could ever imagine, I wouldn’t have the afternoon free to walk you to your hair appointment."
Samantha: "We’re all being protected by the universe."

So I'm sure you are wondering..how is this similar to my story? Or remotely even related?

Well, it is similar to my story.....in no way. But here's the point.

Scenario 1:

If i hadn't taken my wallet to Wal-Mart (cuz i had debated whether i should earlier), I would've never lost my wallet.

If the cab driver had change, I would've never lost my wallet.

If i didn't have so much stuff, i would've had been able to securely put my wallet back in, and I would've never lost my wallet.

If i had not been so nice to close the door with my derriere, derek would've looked in and closed the door so he would've seen my wallet (and probably reprimanded me for not being careful but better than losing it so..), and i would have never lost my wallet.

Scenario 2:

If the taxi driver had the luck to see the wallet drop out, i would have never seen my wallet again.

If any of the ppl who got in as customers in between 10 and 11pm saw the wallet, i would have never seen my wallet again.

If the wife didn't sit in the back by herself (i thought, why would the husband let her sit by herself in the back with all the stuff?) and picked up everything getting off, i would have never seen my wallet again.

If i had gone to class that afternoon (cuz yes, i didn't^^), who knows what would have happened. He may have still called even after my roommate ignoring him, but still pretty risky. Basically, if i didn't come back on time, I would have never seen my wallet again.

If this man wasn't the nicest man, along with his boss, they would've never been so nice enough to call so many times even after getting rejected and going through all that trouble to contact me, and then i would have never seen my wallet again.

There's no like or dislike of which scenario, or what is better or worse. The fact of the matter is, Scenario 1 is about regret. A chain of regrets that can go on forever. I mean i'm writing this so i started out with whether i should've taken my wallet or not, but in actuality, i thought, only if i didn't go to derek's place that day and stayed home..and the list goes on forever, UPWARD, which doesn't make any sense because you will end up questioning all of your choices.

However, the second scenario is different. It is like Charlotte's reasoning. A bad thing happened upon your own choice that you had made (or by accident). But later that bad thing led to something unexpectedly great. And now you're happy.

In my case, yes, i lost my wallet, and i was cursing(well not really) all the Chinese. But some random Chinese man (Mr. Zhang from Hunan as i found out later) picked up the wallet and decided to give it back to me. Not am i only happy, but i am shocked and humbled by the fact that indeed good ppl do exist! It made me believe in human's compassion again. And of course God, even more so.

Seriously, thank you Lord, for allowing me to find my wallet back, and allowing me to learn two huge lessons:

Be faithful, at all times, because everything happens for a reason.

And... be CAREFUL!

the bachelorette party

2009-04-05T07:15:00.002-04:00

The bachelorette party crew at Saddle Cantina

So it's kind of sad that i never really experienced a real bachelorette party until now. But i have my reasons.

The first one i had was in New York and it was a college friend. However, unexpectedly that night my HS friend maria suddenly out of nowhere came up to New York for just a few hours from Maryland. I haven't seen this girl since like many years so i took her to Lotus where the girls were celebrating only after waiting for her like many hours and missing most of the party. So we caught the ends of the party as in just seeing the bachelorette drunk, and that was it.

And then after that, nobody really got married until i came to China. And it was the guys who were getting married or my two korean girl friends who don't even know what a bachelorette party is, until my friend Esther got married in Korea. However, she did not have bridesmaids nor did she have time to do a b-party.

Then Christina got married in Hong Kong. She chose to do her bachelorette in a remote island in Thailand. It was during the last week of December where i'm the busiest studying for finals and so even going to her wedding that following weekend was a huge risk for me. Not mentioning the enormous cost of money and time that a student cannot afford.

So that was that. No more girlfriends got married after that. Basically, i was always not there locally to celebrate the festivities.

So finally, just last night, i had my first real bachelorette party. It was for dina, who's to be married to my good friend ray from college, and we had in total nine girls. That was seriously like the most girls i've ever hung out with in China. This may come as a surprise but it's hard to meet a good group of girls while abroad. But after many years of comings and leavings, finally a solid group of girls who were here to stay.

Dara putting together Dina's bachelorette outfit.

The bride was in "pure white" and us girls in "sexy black." haha..It's not everyday you see nine girls all dressed up in black sexy outfits. We did get a lot of stares of course mostly though because of the obscene shirt dara and pam created, and the scene that we were creating with it.

The bachelorette's horns and tank mysteriously transferred over to my head. With dina and joyce.

Well, i'd love to reveal more about the night but standard bachelorette party rules even apply in China. The above picture is the most i am allowing to be revealed. It was a fun night in beijing.

Enough said. Oh, except, i wish ray and dina a lifetime of happiness.

the dilemma of cafes

2009-03-30T10:33:00.001-04:00

The Sculpting in Time Cafe at UIBE

I remember when i first came to China during the hot summer of '04.

I lived in the dorms of BLCU(Beijing Language and Culture University北京语言大学) in WuDaoKou五道口 and i remember thinking one thought. Where the heck is the Starbucks around here? Or to say the least, a coffee shop?

Well to tell you the truth, i was on my no caffeine plan until i think like October. So when i decided to have my first cup of joe in china, it was only when i decided that i was able to handle caffeine without feeling the need to constantly refill my body with it. In other words, i felt that i was strong enough not to be so addicted to coffee like i was in new york, so i decided to get myself acquainted with the local cafes in the area.

Let's see..there was Brownstone Coffee right near the entrance of the south gate of BLCU, which was like this mini-stand pick-up and go kinda place. That was my first purchase of chinese-made coffee. As usual, a latte. Okay, it wasn't horrible to say the least.

Next place i tried was this mini cafe inside the student cafeteria on the second floor. I have no recollection of how the coffee was like there, except for the fact that i was quite joyous to see that they had Equal. Yes, at that time, it was really hard for me to accept the fact that i had to put real sugar in coffee instead of my lovely substitutes. But not a lot of these places had it. Oh, there was another cafe at the Hui Yi Zhong Xin会议中心. I just remember their pastas, not their coffee.

Then, i finally got introduced to a real cafe in the main intersection area of Wudaokou, called Sculpting in Time Cafe(S.I.T. Cafe 雕刻时光). My Aussie friend (and my only friend at that time) Denise and i, adamant about finding a decent cafe to study trekked out to the main bustling area of this college area(Beijing Univ, Qsinghua Univ, and BLCU are all centralized here), and bumped into this korean guy in my class. When we asked if he knew of a cafe, he said with his broken English, "Go to Scorpion Cafe. You can get free refills on coffee." Both of us were like, what? Scorpion? Yeah, it was Sculpting in Time mispronounced.

So we went and were quite shocked of the very western aura, or rather relieved is the word. It was like, "Ah..FINALLY." This happens in Beijing a lot. Anyway, since then, we went there a lot that whole year. It seemed like all the Westerners agreed with our thoughts, since all of them were there too. But even then, something didn't feel quite right. You can obviously see that this place was opened by ABC's(which i found out later to be true), but when you see that they don't make a smoothie right or when a mocha isn't a mocha, you obviously get disappointed.

That is why i really cannot be so against Starbucks anymore. When i entered Starbucks for the first time in China, it felt like heaven. Ah..finally some real lattes that will actually taste like one and on top of that, equals everywhere! One can only find Starbucks in like the main downtown areas so i every time i went downtown(which was like at least once a week because i couldn't handle not doing so) to places like Wangfujing 王府井, i would go have a real cup of coffee.

Well, times have changed since then. It has been like almost 4-5 years now after all. Now, you can find Starbucks even in Wudaokou (however i haven't been living there since 2005) and many areas alike. The sad thing is, the area that i live, which is my school area, is not a very popular area so we didn't have a single cafe until S.I.T. Cafe came in like two years ago. Seriously, the first two years at my Chinese Medicine school, i had to travel at least 30-40 minutes just to get to a decent cafe! How sad is that!

And right now at this moment, i am at that S.I.T. Cafe writing this blog. But I must tell you, i still feel like their coffees suck, and their food is worse. The price isn't even cheap. More expensive than Starbucks! And there is still not a single Starbucks in the vicinity of 20 minutes travelled distance, which led me to begrudgingly come here yet again, today.

See, it's stuff like this, in China, that makes you feel unnecessarily stressed. Okay, stressed is kind of a bigger word to use here, but you get what i'm saying. How i so miss the ridiculousness of Manhattan's Starbucks and all other local cafes being on every single block (I remember my building that i worked had two!), and being able to count on the genuineness of the coffee wherever you get it from--whether that may be the $1 coffee with your morning bagel at the nearest trolley on the way to work, or the overpriced decaf vanilla latte with skim milk at your local Starbucks. Yes, the accessibility and quality. And that is why, after hating Starbucks for so long, i realize that reliability really does count for something. One has no need to worry when you go in to this cafe that the latte might taste different.

So as i write this at this unreliable cafe in Beijing, which the only reason i am here is because it is only one stop away from my apt(yep, monopoly is awesome), i still yearn for this dilemma of cafes to be solved. I want to not have to ponder about location, price, and quality of cafe and its coffee when i go to one dammit!

imPerfect balance

2009-03-24T09:40:00.002-04:00

Starting on a brand new blog.

I used to write in xanga, but since China blocks xanga.com, i couldn't really write in it. Everytime i go back to korea(which is like twice a year), that's when i make some updates. So forget xanga, welcome blogger.

So this blog has two main public blogs with one private blog.

This main opening is going to be about my life in beijing, china. I've been living here for the past 4 1/2 years, and is close to hitting the five year mark. As much as China went through so many changes in such a short period of time, my life has well.

Back then, i had just turned 25(oh my) when i arrived in the month of august in beijing. My reasoning for coming to beijing was, i probably can't do this when i get older. Better do it now or never.

Now, i am 29, and heading to the end of my twenties and beginning of my thirties in like five months. Who would've known, that my one year stay of soul searching would end up to be this long and complicated journey that ended up to be like already five years in counting and more than likely will be like six and seven. Well, i definitely didn't.

However, the past five years has been quite memorable. I went through what one would call an evolution. I went from lost to being found, discouraged to being uplifted, and from marketing to chinese medicine. haha..

I study at a chinese university dedicated to TCM(traditional Chinese medicine), my peers are mostly koreans from korea(i know, the irony), and of course local (smart and young) chinese students, i learn western and eastern medicine in chinese (biochem in chinese anybody? It's madness), and i hang out with mostly chinese americans from the states or canada plus some other international folks. I am the only Korean American in my program. I'm telling you, it's tougher than being the only white girl in the program. At least they can't understand or communicate in korean, so they don't know what's going on. And by the way, Korean is like the dominant language in our international school国际学院.

Well, i'm not going to say my life is so interesting that i want to blog it, but i guess i just wanted to leave some record of my existence here in china.

Oh, and the other part of this blog is my journey of medicine. My coming to china had a lot to do with trying to find the "perfect solution" to health. To make the long story short, i didn't find it. There is no such thing. But i found what i would call an "imperfect balance." And that is what i want to talk about in both of these blogs.

Unfortunately, the third blog, which is my personal recordings of my day-to-day process of healing since 4-5 years ago, is quite a personal one that it will only be open to those who i come into personal contact with as my patients. I thought that this can be a great source of encouragement for those who will be going through the same treatment as i did as well as a source for information. The understandings and inspirations i receive through my studies along with a daily journal of what i went/go through will be recorded.

So i guess that's what it is going to be. Lots of this still under construction so hopefully i'd be able to perfect the look that i want, and the content i want it to be.

Enjoy!